@_@,,,
You exist for me in my could-have-been life. That is where I need you to stay. Actualizing a proximity any closer than that would devastate me.
I don’t know you, I only know the version of you that I imagined when I wanted to love you. That version of you is not reliable enough for me to risk practicality, stability, and comfort. I know love has no guarantee, but there are signals that usher in a sense of dependability that our circumstance never cued. The circumstance didn’t belong to either of us – I know because things would be different if it had.
But they’re not different.
Not in this universe we currently call “reality.” Perhaps in a parallel one we cannot see clearly there exists a vague you and a vague me and we are deeply, if not obscurely, in love – living out a fantasy life of simple pleasures and luxuries neither of us can afford in this one.
I try not to think of you because I am not suppose to think of you. When you creep up on me in my thoughts I do everything I can to banish you from existing. Seeing you in the flesh makes doing that so much harder. I do not have the power to banish a physical being from my reality. There you were, all your DNA lined up exactly how I remembered it, and I realized I hadn’t imagined you or how I felt about you. I only wish I could have seen your eyes, just once. Why did you hid them from me?
this strikes me in a special way. Through the internet connections are made whether sharing writings like here or those who actually try to devolop relationships electronically. There is a radiance in human kind that can be felt through communication on every level. A sense of being. It is both wonderful and disturbing. Imagine your circle of existence 30 years ago when the web meant a spider trap
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There was none of this. Your writings would be lost to me. My ability to share these words. I feel you out there. I sense your being and therefore you exist in my realm. I read your words and it changes me….very cool stuff.
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