Glass

I feel like I’m made of glass, and everyone around me is just waving hammers to see how quickly they can break me. This is the first time in my memory I’ve felt fragile. Completely out of touch with my own center.

My ex boyfriend, who until Saturday still remained somone I considered a friend, spent the last year of our relationship having unprotected sex with at least one, but most likely three other women. He’s put me at risk for HIV. I tried to get tested today, but even though when I called the clinic this morning they said they had walk in hours until 8PM, they actually closed at 6:30PM. I told my godfather, a person who is like a father to me about what was going on, and his basic reaction was: ‘who cares, I have my own problems’.

My mother is a wreck because of  a bombshell that just went off in her life (same day), and I feel terrible for adding my problems to hers, because she’s barely holding it together. This means I really can’t lean on her, because I don’t want to break her. Thankfully, my best friend has been a wonderful ear for me, and even given me information on sliding scale therapists, which I know I need, because I’m showing obvious symptoms of depression: flat affect/depressed emotion, hysteria, lack of interest in basic necessities of living, lack of interest in things that ordinarally interest me, the desire to hide under my bed from the entire world, etc.

In short, I’m a wreck. Usually writing things out helps me work through things. I’m so not with it, I can’t even tap into another character to channel my pain. I’m stuck with myself. And right now, I’m shitty company.