Issues

Half the people I know say I have anger issues. The other half say I’m the most level headed person they know, that I just don’t take crap, but I never get overly angry and just "say it how it is". So which is it? Is it weird that one of my biggest insecurities is that I’m afraid people think I’m too angry?

My insecurities:

My anger, my weight and body parts in relation to that, and I’m afraid I’m clingy. I’m not scared that I’m a whore or a bad person. I’ve been with three people, one I was with for four years, and another I was engaged to for half a year. My biggest problem, I guess, is my body. I don’t think my waist is huge, I have an hourglass figure apparently. But I hate my arms. I have broad shoulders like a man, and while I do have flabbiness to my arms they’re also muscle. I’m stronger than every girl I know, and while I like that part of it, I’m worried I’m too manly. That fear probably goes back to me having pcos. My shortness helps to make me seem more petite and girlie though.

I’m not clingy with anyone except maybe Mike. And I’ve tried very, very hard not to be with him. I don’t call him but once a week, and I may text him a few times a week, but if he doesn’t reply that day, I don’t keep trying. If he wants to talk, he can reach me. But he always makes the effort to hang out with me on the weekends. I think of anyone that he can have sex with, I annoy him the least. I think. Otherwise why would he hang out with me ten hours straight, let me stay the night without jumping me, and then hang out with me until I have to leave the next day? If I was annoying to him, wouldn’t he just do me and then say he had to leave, or go to sleep, or something? I never ask to stay, I always let him offer it. And if he doesn’t, I say I’m going to go home to sleep, but that hasn’t happened in a long time.

He’s been teaching me how to play the guitar. I’ve been enjoying it. I didn’t ask him to teach me, I mean, if someone asked me to teach them how to paint….I wouldn’t want to.

What’s weird: his most recent ex still lives with him because her parents are druggies/drunks. And she and I get along. They sleep in the same bed, but aren’t having sex, according to them both. Like I said before, he told me he’d tell me if he did, and he’s always told me before. Even when he had a passing "I want to fuck her" and never actually doing it. It’d make me jealous, but at least because of that I know he’s only been with me for three months. But anyway, yeah…Them living together and her and I getting along famously. She’s a lot like me. Not physically, mentally. She’s larger and taller than me. I think she has a really pretty face, and I thought that back when I hated him and they were still together. I’ve always respected her.

Back when they had started having problems and we had sex because…well, I can’t tell him no, even when I hated/loved him, I changed my number so that he couldn’t ask me for it again. Because I respected her. And I had never met her or talked to her before, it was just because she existed. I knew it was bad enough that it happened, but after that, I knew I couldn’t tell him no, and I made it so we couldn’t talk. He’d call me every day while he was at work. He acted like we were a couple, and I started to not hate him as much. But then the sex happened and I had to stop it. And then I met Trey.

And then Mike and I didn’t talk again until they were over, and Trey lost part of his brain. And now it feels like my life revolves around him. I don’t know if he just wants sex and likes having control over me, or if he actually likes me as a friend. He has so many girls under his thumb, and while I know he spends almost his whole weekend with me…there’s the rest of the week that he can be wooing anyone he wants. The only reason I don’t worry about it is because he’s so damned honest. Even when he cheated when we were together, he told me about it.

UGH. I don’t want every entry to be about him. My whole life since I was 14 has been all about him. Even when I hated him and avoided him, the entire time I was consumed with hating him. I’ve never been this way with anyone. And I try so hard not to show it with him, making a firm effort not to be clingy. But he obviously knows I feel that way because I’ve told him how much I care. Just because I never tell him I love him, and I told him that I wouldn’t because I felt it would make him feel weird since we’re not together, that I still felt that way. I told him that when I was drunk. "I love you more than anyone, and this will be the last time I say it because when I’m sober I’m not so fucking stupid."

I also refuse to drink ever again. I’ve only been drunk three times and every time I cried for hours. There’s just no reason to.

I’m ready for him to either go all into a relationship, or for me to find someone new. I know I can be faithful if I really fall in love, because I’ve only cheated once (with Mike, of course), and it was on someone I didn’t really like and they wouldn’t let me talk to them about anything important. I called him and asked him to come over and confessed to him immediately after it happened, and I broke up with him. He wanted to give me another chance, but I said that we couldn’t work if I was willing to cheat on him. And he shouldn’t be willing to be with someone who had cheated. It’s not like we were together that long, so it wasn’t painful for either of us. I just felt like a shitty person because it was the first, and still only time I’ve cheated. That was about three or four years ago. I’ve decided to never be with someone unless I felt the way I did about Mike with them. Because anything less will be just asking for me to go back to him.