Growing a Backbone

I’m in the process of getting rid of the people in my life that make me worse of a person. Or make me feel bad for no reason. I had stopped talking to PJ, Gavin, and I’m pretty much done with Mike.

Pj would always talk about how shitty his life is. He feels like a failure, yet refuses to do anything about it. I was fine talking him through his issues until I gained my own and he couldn’t return the favor. I told him I felt neglected because he wasn’t there for me throughout my pregnancy, and had mentioned I needed him a few times. When he told me I was mean and his friends thought I was verbally abusive I told him that he was overly emotional and if he couldn’t handle me calling him emotional…then why were we friends? (I call him emotional quite a bit, when he freaks out over nothing and acts like he’s going to kill himself. I’ve been dealing with his depression for three years and I had gotten to the point where if he can’t help himself, or let me help him by listening to my advice, then there’s nothing I can do.) He was upset that his parents called him a failure. I suggested he get his GED and go to school. He said he didn’t want to. He said he was lonely, I suggested meeting new people and making friends. He said he only wanted his old ones…the few that he has, me being one who he complains about. All of his excuses, and the fact that me pointing out that he wasn’t there when I needed to be was what got him to talk to me…not me telling him I needed him made me feel pretty done. He had time to argue with me, but no time to be comforting.

I stopped talking to Gavin because he had this crap speech about how he has no emotions anymore, his "heart has been ripped out" and so therefore he couldn’t be there for me. I was like, "I held you while you cried about being dumped by a girl you had been with for a few weeks and you can’t give me a hug because I’m sad about getting an abortion?" He proceeded to call me selfish for expecting it of him. And then told me whenever I thought of my aborted fetus I’d know how much I really am like him. Way to make me want to stay friends, right?

After Mike’s girlfriend deleted me on facebook (and the girl he slept with on New Year’s), I knew he’d been calling me names and lying about me behind my back to make up for his mistakes at cheating. I won’t message her and try to prove myself. I’ve decided it’s not worth the effort. I tried to tell her. As for him, I admit I deleted him. Sometimes I think it silly, but I’m not going to keep him on there as a friend, symbolizing that I was in the wrong and made a mistake. He’s the one that should feel guilty for cheating. Not me for confessing. If he wants to get onto me for something, it would be for being the other woman and he has no ground to stand on in that situation.

I can understand him being upset for me telling her….but I don’t understand him making it out like I made this bad life decision. I’m not the one sleeping with everyone. I’ve still only been with three people. My mistake was timing and choice of person. It’s hard saying no to your first… But I have to. I can’t listen to him saying the other girls don’t matter to him, or after we sleep together listen to him talk about his newest conquest. I wish I could warn all the new girls..or let the ones he’s currently with know what’s up, but no one would believe me. And I am scared of him. He hasn’t raised a hand to me since we broke up, but still..