12/14/2012
Despite the end of my relationship with Rocky, I don’t feel too bad. Well, for one it’s been about two weeks since then. But on top of that, we were only together for 9 months. Yeah, it wasn’t all that short, but it definitely wasn’t long enough to become depressed over. I have to look at the good side. He said I deserved better, and maybe I did. I deserve a guy that will be willing to save some money to buy me a birthday gift and not spend it all on gun parts. He was needed for that time in my life and he helped me then, but now I can move on. I’m glad he was there for me during that time, but I’m not going to be sad over a guy who won’t end the relationship in person, or at least with his voice. I wanted to be there for him during his troubles, but you can’t help someone that doesn’t want it.
An ex of mine, Heath, hit on me after he found out I was single again. It was…interesting I suppose. We were smoking on Jamie’s porch and he said, "Let’s go sit in my car." and immediately I was like ‘fuck’, but I said, "…kay". We sat in his car and made small talk about smoke rings and then he said, "Ever have sex in a mercedes?" I said no, and then he asked if I wanted to. I joked that it was awfully small and he said he’d make room. I asked if he was fucking with me and he was like "Kinda". When I was like "oh ok". He repeated that he was kind of and asked again if I wanted to. I paused for a little bit and then scrunched up my face and shook my head no. I explained that I thought of him more as a friend now, and while I had been joking about sleeping with Jamie, the thing is that I feel differently about Jamie. I didn’t explain that I feel safe with Jamie and we could do something and then just play video games together or some shit. With Heath, it would get weird, and then I wouldn’t hear from him again for months. And I’m not ok with that.
Anyway, he was quiet for about an hour after that, and I played with his son and kept him occupied. The next day Heath hit on both Casey and Taylor and tried to get them to sleep with him. They both turned him down. He knows plenty of girls, so I’m sure he’ll find someone else to have a one night stand with. I love Heath, as a friend, and he’s funny and great, but I’m glad I said no. He should just think of me as a boy, because my muffin shop isn’t open for him. I mean, he broke up with me after a week way back when. So yeah. I’m good. But he did do it face to face, which is more than Rocky could do after 9 months. So I appreciate that.
School starts in January. I’m really excited for a few reasons. I took a semester off, and it felt like forever. I’ve been gaining weight because all I do is watch my grandma and watch tv with her. I could work out in the living room, but it gets unbelievably annoying to explain every few minutes what I’m doing. Her memory has gotten worse. She’s gotten to where she’ll use the bathroom in random places a lot. I caught her using the trashcan and a couple of weeks ago we found feces in her bedroom floor. The only thing I can do is to try and laugh about it, otherwise it’d be extremely depressing. I kind of have to distance myself from it. Not think of her as the person I grew up with. I used to cry every time I was around her and powpaw, but once he died, I just…I can’t let myself be sad all the time. It’s not going to help. Especially now that I’m basically the only person watching her.
During the day my mom and cousin go to work, and they come home in the evening and mowmaw goes to bed. So yeah, pretty much. I go out at night to see friends sometimes, until I’ve spent to much money and have to stay home. That’s another reason I’ll be glad for school. I’ll be taking night classes so it doesn’t compromise anyone with mowmaw, and I’ll be getting loans so I’ll have more money. I only make 75 a week to watch mowmaw for about 60 hours a week. I know maybe I shouldn’t get paid to watch a family member, but mom doesn’t want me to get a job, and soon I’ll have school, but it’s cheaper than mom actually hiring someone, plus she knows me. With mowmaw’s temper, we’re afraid someone would hurt her in anger. I’ve given her a tiny little smack on the leg twice before when she got completely unbearable and felt bad about that, but then reasoned it was like a spanking, only lighter than those given to children. I try to be reasonable. Sometimes she’s just…it’s hard. I think mom has it harder, she gets really angry sometimes. She hasn’t hit her, that I’ve seen, but she gets angrier than I do. I just give a little pat I guess (I felt really bad about that at one point, because I don’t know what is too much for her since she’s old and while it’s ok to spank kids, she can’t remember. She just goes off and mouths about everything and won’t even know why she’s angry and calling me stupid.), and tell her to stop acting like a child. Mom gets really pissed. Whenever I get that mad I just leave the room and smoke and cry a little. Our family cries in anger. Because we don’t know what else to do with that anger.
I just wish she remembered who I was and wouldn’t be so mean. And realize I’m just trying to help her. I hope by the time I’m old there’ll be a form we could sign to say if we get dementia or whatever that we would be euthanized. I don’t want to be like that. It scares me. I don’t want anyone to have to take care of me. I don’t want to be mean to my family. I don’t want my kid to rationalize, "Well, if she’s alive I can use her checks, so it’s better she’s alive." My mom uses her checks to pay for my sister’s bills. I don’t like that. I understand that my sister has two kids and her husband is doing online classes and is trying to make something of himself, but.. it just rubs me the wrong way. I guess part of it is that when I was living two hours away for school I was driving home on the weekends to watch mowmaw, and my sister was angry that she watched her more than me. But now that I live closer, she never watches her. My sister lives five minutes away, in my grandma’s old house.
My mom wants me to live with her for a long time. My guess is so I can watch mowmaw and mom can get more tax money off of me. Back when I said I wanted to live on my own, go to school and work, my mom and sister said I was selfish and needed to help the family. So I did. And now my sister isn’t helping. And back when my sister went off on me for it and I told her I needed a weekend off, she said that I shouldn’t take advantage of her generosity. This was right after my fiance’s wreck. The one that gave him brain damage and made him tell me that he didn’t want to marry me anymore and didn’t know if he could feel love anymore. And I told her, how could she not understand. What if it had happened to her husband?
It’s been a year since Trey and I ended. He’s said he does love me around the time that Rocky and I got together. I told him I still felt like he was the one, but I wasn’t going to let that change anything with Rocky, because that’s not how I am. Now that Rocky and I are over, he started flirting more again. But I’m not sure I can be with him and not think about the accident, how everything changed, how he gave up on me when I was cleaning his feeding tube and all that. And I still blame myself, even though I wasn’t driving, even though I told him to wear a seat belt…if w
e hadn’t met, he wouldn’t have been with us on that trip. And I know that’s crazy, but I can’t help it. His face, his deformed face and different personality will always be a reminder of what used to be.. And that I didn’t try and stay with him through it all even after he said he wasn’t sure he loved me. I should have waited, known that it was just a phase because of the accident. But I didn’t, and I moved on and got pregnant with Mike, and had to get rid of it. It should have been Trey’s baby, and I would be a mom now. I’d have a four month old right now, and it breaks my heart. If the accident hadn’t happened, I never would have talked to Mike again. But that’s not what happened.
The only thing I know to do is just keep going. School. Eventually become a nurse. Even if I wanted to be with Trey, he’s going to be going to school four hours away. And he only gets so many minutes to talk on the phone, it counts texts too, so we just have facebook. I don’t plan to be with anyone anytime soon. I don’t need another 9 month relationship that ends up just being another number that I feel guilty about. If someone wants me , they can wait. I’m young, I have time. If I need sex, I can go to Jamie, I guess. I don’t want to raise my number, and he uses condoms, and it’s not weird with him. I’m not going to sleep with random people, or multiple people, I’ve never been like that. Just one, until I find THE one. If it’s Trey, it’ll work out eventually. I don’t feel the need to search for romance anymore.