11/11/2012

Things have been off with Rocky. We haven’t talked much in the past two months, really. I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks, since October 28th, to be exact. I couldn’t go see him during the week because I was home alone watching my grandma until 9 pm. It’s an hour drive to his house and he goes to bed at 10 because he works mornings.  Last weekend he had to fix the carburetor for his grandpa or something. I ended up going to a friend’s party instead. (That party was all drama, except I’m glad that Jessica and I are hanging out again.) He was supposed to come over Friday and stay the night with me. Well, turns out that something messed up on his car. I don’t know what, he told me, but I was kind of annoyed while trying to suppress it and tell myself that it’s just coincidence. Plus I know nothing about cars.

Anyway, he says he’s coming over tonight and staying until Monday night sometime. I guess I’ll see if something else happens miraculously.

Before I saw him for the Halloween party I hadn’t seen him but like once or twice in three weeks. We talk maybe five minutes a day, but that’s mostly us talking about how we have nothing to say. Or him going on about guns and how he hates Obama. Which just kind of makes me roll my eyes.

I told him about how I felt about all of this, and he told me that he always gets like this around the holidays. His mom died January 6, 2006 and he feels bad because they last time they talked they fought and he thinks it’s his fault. He called himself an asshole, said he treated his ex like shit, and now he’s treating me horribly. Just him saying that made me feel bad for calling him names in my head. He’s not a horrible boyfriend. I just get…lonely. And I was scared he was cheating sometimes. But how would I ever know? I live an hour away. We used to see each other 3 or four times a week. I’d go to his place through out the week and he’d stay over for the weekends. Not anymore..

The day before yesterday was our 8 month mark.

I want to be here for him while he’s feeling bad about his mom, but he won’t let me. And at the same time I don’t understand completely why he isn’t ok yet. My dad died January 4, 2005 and I’ve been fine for a long time. I just…I feel like he should have gotten help. He shouldn’t do it on his own and that’s why he’s still messed up over it. I don’t know.

I don’t know if I feel like being avoided every year for four months. I want things to improve. I want to feel like I have a boyfriend. Not a fuck buddy. And because we met online, I wonder if he is hiding this other life. I’ve just been hurt so much, it’s hard to trust.