09/24/2012

I feel off about myself recently. I miss someone. Not only that, but it doesn’t help that Rocky went about a week without really saying much more than "how are you?" "talk to you later" via text to me. He finally called me last night, after I had asked him two or three times (different days) to do so and he told me he would when he "found time".

I found myself wanting to be single and I’ve been wondering if he’s cheating for about a month because of situations similar to this week. And then I started having sex dreams about someone. Ugh. And then just today I saw a picture of a friend’s boyfriend and I found myself jealous. I guess I should just admit it to myself. I’m horny. And Rocky isn’t fulfilling me enough. And I’ve never been with a guy who was "too tired" to have sex. Or would rather hang out with a friend than sleep with me… Yeah, maybe after a year or two, but we’ve been together for six months and we’ve never had that excited moment where we bang like rabbits at the beginning of the relationship. Like I mentioned in a previous entry, his family doesn’t allow him to shut his door when I’m there. He’s 23, I’m 22.

And I feel like a whore for missing le sex. I can’t seem to help it. I’ve been daydreaming about running into someone and bam. Le sex. Park. Le sex. And of course even if I ran into them it wouldn’t happen because of issues, but dammit. I miss le sex. But I won’t cheat, even if there was someone to do so with. I just feel like..I need attention. And I don’t know what’s going on with us. I feel like I’m not good enough or something. But I am. Is he bored with me?

I don’t feel like he’s the one, so why am I still with him? I don’t feel like anyone is anymore. I don’t feel a deep love for anyone or anything. Trey= I feel a friendly love, but I just can’t see being with him again. It would hurt too much. Mike= I just think of him as this sex object. A largely equipped sex object. (Which is good, since that’s all I was to him and I didn’t get on the same page until we stopped talking.)  But even in sex dreams I won’t give into it for fuck’s sake. It annoys me. If I just knew I was dreaming when I was dreaming, I’d go for it. But noo, I think it’s real, think of Rocky, run away, and then wake up and think "FUUUUUCK! That was the only opportunity for sex since…when??"

I guess I should have an affair with my hand. :/ Keep away from eating food out of depression or whatever. And stop smoking. I am in the process of quitting, speaking of. I’m down to only one cigarette a day again.