02/13/2013

I think I’m in love with the idea of falling in love. But I’m scared that true love doesn’t exist beyond the age of 18. It seems like the first time you fall in love it’s the most intense. I want to feel the way I did the first time I was in love. I don’t feel that way for my first love anymore, it’s kind of an echo of what used to be, still there a little bit  but definitely not as loud or clear as it was.

I like the idea of a soul mate for everyone…but who’s to say you don’t mess up and go down the wrong path and not end up with them? Can you have more than one soul mate? If you don’t find them will you end up alone…or just settling? But believing in soul mates kind of leads you to believe in fate, so you kind of have to meet them and end up with them, right? Then why do some people end up alone and never find the person they should be with?

So…no soul mates… that means I could end up alone. Who will be able to deal with my need to playfully argue and not get offended by it, be able to laugh and joke back and make it clear that they’re playing with me too? Who will think I’m just the right size, not too fat, think I’m beautiful, and tell me so? Who will touch my arm, rub my back, and love on me…just as much as I love on them? I want to be the only person they want to be with. I want to be enough. I’m worthy of love. So where is it? Will I be 40? Will it be next month?

I wish I could stop thinking about it.