Time…is on my side?

For whatever reason, I’ve been laden with a sense of urgency of late. Urgency of life, of goals, of dreams…..a warning of the utter complacency of things to be, and the sheer disappointment with a lack of potential passed by.

I’m not sure exactly what is bringing this about. Alot of things, I’m sure. Thoughts of my grandmother still linger, my grandfather, as age continues its path of entropy, my status as "single," my dreams of children and family, my place in the legal profession….my effect overall on this place of being, in which, (for better or worse) I undeniably reside.

But I feel it.

The ache in my heart of urgency….of time not being what it was 5-10 years ago…girls coming and going, dreams that will happen "soon" and the like. And yet another of my friends has been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. Time it seems, is no friend to any. The older I get, the more the wear of the world seems to have its place, and the more and more it seems that people crumble around me. And while my flesh stretches forward, my dreams dwindle, fade, and blink….looking more and more out of reach at every moment.

Its an odd thing, mostly because I am (overall) proud of my accomplishments. I completed my studies in philosophy, earned my J.D, became a lawyer…enjoy advocacy and the endless battle against the man. Even as I play on my big-screen tv with friends in all its glory, even as I race on the Wii or spew blood on the xbox360. A chill remains in my heart. A gripping fear that all that I still want is slipping away, and that worst of all, I am powerless to stop it.

And here I sit, at 2:00AM, typing away like I haven’t done in ages. This is not a quick entry to update on my life. Not another "i’m slacking on my OD but need to write because its been 2 weeks and ill miss out on things." It amazes me how much I forget, even as I write these entries. As I go back and read them…I smile, and the memories flood back.

I can feel it, even as I type this entry. This is how I used to write. This is how I used to feel in college. The pursuit of my dreams keeping me awake at night. Silly me, I suppose, to think that becoming a lawyer and having the job of my dreams would quell such thoughts.

No.

Instead it moves the others on with even more urgency. I look around me, I see all my friends married now, or engaged and I sigh. I rediscover old friends from times past via facebook, and see myself as so far behind in the "family life." Somehow, against my own intentions and will, it seems I became a career-oriented man. Somehow, I took steps in the wrong direction…or stumbled, or who-knows-what. But the bottom line is…I feel behind. E, usually the trailblazer, (or at the least, the man who gets to the same place by carving his own way)…has hit a snag. This time, for the first time ever…I’m afraid that my way really might be the wrong way. And I really may never get to the place I seek.

And this keeps me from sleep. And this…keeps me writing.

Cheers, everyone. I hope all is well.

Oodles o’ love,

Erotique