Haterage?

My motivation to press the plastic has waned to a point of near nonexistence, and well, i can’t say its not for unfounded, or unwarranted reasons. You see, when the moods strikes, and the text takes shape, i generally write in a mood of profound ease and joy, and yet, these past weeks have had no such thing.

Its distressing because, in all honesty, nothing catastrophic (in my individual life at least) has occurred. But thats trying to explain the world with outside stimuli, which, as always is wholly inadequate. I’m having one of my episodes, one of my "dark times" of evil existential crisis or psychologically labeled "depressions" for, as far as i can tell, no tangible reason. Then again, its been ages since i’ve really been "down…" and in that, i have to say, i do find some respite. Still, i hate riding out these times. Ugh.

I’ve failed. I’ve failed in one of my key goals for the year/time/semester/life. I am totally, completely and utterly apathetic towards girls, and sadly, i can’t find one that peaks my interest. This is, unquestionably a problem on this side of the skin barrier, and i’m at a loss. Its been long enough, i tell myself….but still, i hear the warbles of voice and shrug, and i can’t break out of it. I’m stunned. Wholly and totally stunned. This does not make E happy. Oh no.

Some interesting things have developed on the "friend" front; mostly bad drama, which is really getting to me. It began a week or so ago when Jacinda calls me at 4am drunk, asking why "guys are they way they are" because, once again, she fell for the empty words of my asshole friends. Meh. Not a situation i want to deal with at any time, let alone at 4am….E was not happy. Next time, Jacinda stopped by at like 3am after being out with my boys, and proceeded to sneak her way into my apartment. She then took out her phone, and began to call one of the boys. I instantly grew annoyed, and said "if your going to call dave, you don’t need to be here." She said "i won’t call him, i promise, i’m just going to text him." So she texts him, and he calls. (We’ll, he didn’t call me…") and my face begins to contort. I turn calmly, look at jacinda and say "there is a line…(gesturing with my hands) the line is right here, and you are right at it….right at it….you see what i’m saying." And she gives me this "Whatever" look. (oh hell no, not on my watch, in my apartment). Anyway, cut to her pretty much being kicked out, and E sighing in relief; drama and this boy do not get along. (She ended up going over to his place after). Once again, this BS "lets get E involved for no particular reason." So close. So. Close.

It peaked with Anna though, as she was giving me a ride home today. Anna is one of my friends since first year of law school, a naive (bless her heart) then-20 year old who somehow stumbled into law school. A bit crazy at times, but overall has found a nice little niche in my heart. Ryan and I call her our "little sister." Well, she is also another of Sean’s "girls." (in fact, the first, and its been going on for about a year.) Apparently, last weekend (which i had the fortune of NOT being there for, sean and anna and the rest of the crew went out, and sean made out with some other girl in front of Anna. Anna asked if "she should go" and Sean said no…and it went on from there, and ended with Anna throwing a fit, and saying some rather mean (and deserved) things to Sean.

But on the way home tonight, as she was talking, she asked Ryan and I if we "really were her friends." I asked why she would say this, and she began to relate the Sean tale. Now normally, i shrug at this Sean-girl stuff, truly, i just blow it off and say "whatever." Because, in most cases, they know what they are getting into. Anna had no clue, and you could see it, truly see it on her face when she expressed how she realized what is really going on. I saw her lips quiver, her friendship betrayed, a complete lack of the much needed "why," and an almost complete breakdown. I felt my fists clench. I did, i sat their thinking "motherf–ker" and with serious angst. This shocked even me. Still, conversation moved on to happier things, and at one point she later remarked. "everything about law school i care about is in this car" which made ryan and i both go "aww…"  Another dramatic and difficult situations, and somehow i’m drug into it.

Sigh….read those above paragraphs? Fucking highschool drama. I hate it. Seriouslytrulyentirelyhateit. And i know who are the causes….which is why i haven’t been hanging out with them. Cheers for that, at least.

I’m single, in my last year of law school, and immersed in a maelstrom of madness. And i’m shocked by the existential crisis. Sigh. I can’t remember the last time i had one of these deep "down" times and was single though. This could be a problem. We’ll see.

I have so much to say about the current political air, the horror of the soon-to-be chief justice and his "good ol’ boy" background. (i watched this interesting news special which showed video of his neighborhood, his highschool, and the like. Talk about the posterchild of priviledge, but then again, why should i expect anything else. Sigh. I’ve leave it at that for the moment, as i am not in the most productive or clear of minds to get into serious nonsense-talk.

I have done absolutely nothing in law school this semester. In fact, i don’t even own all my textbooks yet. And the 3rd week is almost over. I’m so far behind its ridiculous….but i just don’t care.

Damn it, i hate when i get this attitude.

There is not enough coffee, alcohol, pens and paper or sugarcubes to free me of this level of angst. All i have is World of Warcraft, and Sarek, Paladin, Holy Crusader and Lord Knight of MiSTiCA. That my friends, isn’t making one bit of difference.

I sooooo hate depressing/down entries. I should stick to only poetry-entries at this time; probably about as interesting to read, but alot shorter.

EDIT: The highlight of my day came in my civil rights litigation class, where, after the 10 minute break (at which point i went up stairs and found a "happy hour occuring" i walked into class carring a bottle of beer. The prof stopped midsentence, the class turned and looked at me, i said "what" and proceeded to meet the you f–king asshole glares of my entire class. After a brief argument on whether the "dean would approve" the prof decided it was "fine for me to have it." Haha. i love law school, that may have been the greatest moment yet. That and i love civil rights litigation, and every cop that hits a person better watch out. Section 1983 my friends, rawr.

Oodles o’ love,

Erotique