E, and Some Interruptions

For the past week, my eyes have greeted the dawn with ever-affirmed apprehension. Another quandry of "why" and "must sleep"…constructs beyond my inevitable control it seems, and instead, i’m left waxing, waning….clinging to any semblance of sanity, which, up until and including this very moment, seems like an impossibility.

Friday night was the annual law school halloween party. Once again, attempting to cloak myself in habitual pleasure, i dolled myself up, broke out the tophat, cane, and a few other accessories, and proceeded to drink myself into oblivion. The vodka cranberry, coupled with 24 hours of pure-awaked-ness lead to a night of madness, debachery and dashing-dancing. I was complimented on my costume and its sheer beauty a few times, and that, of course, made me smile.

Shelly, Dennis’s wife was quite a bit tipsy, and well, after burning anna with a cigarette, smiling, chatting and giggling with me, she broke into the dramatic "E, why aren’t you dating anyone?" "i just don’t get it" she mutters, "you are by far the nicest of the people i’ve met here in st. louis, and i’m surprised you don’t have a girlfriend." Once again she repeated the why, and i muttered something briefly about "D," and the ended drama, and retorted with "i have to look at someone, meet someone, and feel it. And i haven’t felt it yet. I can’t be like Sean, or the rest of them, i can’t go through the motions, I’m too fragile for that." She nodded, and gave me a hug. My heart sighed a bit, and later in the evening, i took the energy and actually engaged a bit with a girl whom i could see possibility. Nothing dramatic, nothing fancy, but just enough to make it known. We’ll see though, once again, the bubbling-bubbles haven’t created enough froth yet. Not yet, sigh.

Jacinda was in full force that night, drunken to the point of (as i later found out) vomiting, and ended up leaving the party around 11ish after losing all control. Of course, prior to this, she had to find me, tell me "i know you’ve missed me E, don’t try to deny it" *eye roll* and then kiss me on the cheek. Ugh. Another fun moment there. (Taste that sarcasm? Taste it)

Saturday was a day of mostly-lazy escapades of hung-over-ness. I relaxed a bit, unpacked a bit more of my stuff, and was later invited out with J.D and James, and their respective "others." The talk was law school, jobs and tasteless jokes, and i felt myself shrugging in the seat, comtemplating exactly what i was doing there. A brief interlude later, i ran off as fast as i could, desperately trying to elude the forces of the wanna-be (and soon to be) upper class. During the walk home, Jacinda calls me, saying "i just wanted to see if you made it through last night" and i immediately became silent and disinterested. Calling me, and to chat. Hmm. why? I’m not a chatter, not on the phone, and without any seemingly present agenda, that convo was cut short, most likely, by my dashing personality.

Before going out, i had an interesting and (always) amusing conversation with my mother. You see, she managed to mail a large box of goodies to me for halloween, candies, and all that fun stuff. Then she became creative, and used one of those vacuum-seal devices and attempted to mail me 6 donuts. Yes, you read that right, she tried to send me donuts. She called me on the phone, and told me to "open them, and they will spring right back up, and wont remain squashed." I shook my head, told her that the laws of physics don’t apply that way, and a fanciful disagreement ensued. The end result (of course!) was me cutting the contraption open, and expressing directly look, they did not spring back up, they are still shrived and generally scary looking. "Well, at least it suits halloween either way." Indeed, that it does, mother, indeed it does.

On a last note, i found out once again that the oppressors of high society never let me down, and my mother is losing her job (sigh) sometime in december. This of course, came during the same conversation where i announced my little success arrangment with my law-prof, which was i’m sure, not the greatest of discussions. She managed as she could though, and after talking a bit about exactly the kind of law i wanted to do, she cheered up and said "the world needs more lawyers like you son, they really do."

Its so funny, seeing my mother shift around these past few years. Seeing change really work, seeing real pride, real realization that anyone can do it, really, anyone can.

Well, except ms. Miers, which makes me sad. I wanted her to get to the supreme court, it would be another triumph of the mediocre. Who cares if her ideology is terrible, so is the rest of the Supreme court, presidency, and the entire political system. Its a shame, how easy it is to misunderstand what oppression is. In fact, i’m beginning to realize it more and more, since i once again applied to teach that Women and the Law course to undergrads. (Remember that one? from last year, the one i didn’t get?) Yeah, its that time again. My friends are all convinced "it will never go to a guy." And i’m beginning to believe it. Still, i’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt, and apply this one last chance. And i can say with no hubris, if i don’t get it, its not because i don’t deserve it. And, in the end, that just makes me sad. Sad because life still is that way, but even sadder because something which purports to be against it falls exactly into it. And on that note, i’ve found my playstation 2, and likewise my dvd player. So now, i do believe i’m going to sit back, and watch lord of the rings.

Perhaps i’ll even study a bit for the MPRE. Perhaps.

Oodles o’ love,

Erotique