TOTW 36. The green eyed monster

What do I envy in others? That’s a great question. At the moment I am more envious than I ever have been before. Unless you count my desire, at the age of 7, to own a full set of colouring pens – and I’m talking about every shade of every colour in the rainbow, including those that are between the colours, as they fade from red to orange, orange to yellow etc…

And it is money that’s causing this envy. Money. I, who have lived as unmaterialistically as I could. But it isn’t just the having of money,  It’s the ability to decorate my house, get a kitchen that isn’t 30 years old. It’s being able to just be at home with my amazing daughter without having to worry about setting up the child care business again, so that I can help her achieve the education she wants.

I am envious of people who don’t constantly ache inside for a child who doesn’t believe she is good enough because school made her feel that anxiety attacks were an act of rebellion and that she should be working harder because she has the potential to get awesome exam results in four years time and those exam results will look great on the school’s statistics. I am envious if those who don’t realise that teenage arguments have nothing on witnessing your child’s hate being directed inwardly, on them getting the anger out by hurting themselves.

I am envious of those who live in societies outside of the modern world, of small tribes for whom school doesn’t exist and learning is a shared adventure amongst all.

I am envious of a time in the future when receiving mental health help should be as easy as medical help – although that doesn’t look promising.

I am envious of people who can decide to do something, leave the house and do it without having to think of the right wording in order to convince their child to actually leave the house. I am envious of those people who can hike up a mountain, sit a the top and enjoy the view. A view that is just there, for them, at that very moment.

so yes, right now I suffer a lot of envy while I tire from fighting the constant battle to make life for my children a good place to be.