sometimes you just gotta get it out

it’s kind of funny what certain songs or movies or tv shows can do to you sometimes. i just finished watching the office a couple minutes ago and it was a pretty good episode. i apparently haven’t seen it in awhile because there were a lot of different subplots going on but the two main ones were michael being in over his head in debt and not being able to deal with it and dwight not being able to deal with breaking up with angela. they both just ran. that’s all i ever want to do anymore is just run. i’m so empty inside. not depressed, i don’t think. just empty.

i got a credit card at the beginning of august. i hadn’t had one for awhile because i charged too much on the last one i had and got rid of it and it took me like 3 years to pay it off. anyway, well i just had to have an xbox 360 so i got a credit card to buy one instead of just saving up the money. and i’ve spent a lot of money since then. a lot of it lost on online poker. a lot of it just on stupid little things that have added up very quickly. enough so that i put off opening the bill for probably a week. well it’s bad. really bad. not unfixable bad but bad like what the fuck is my problem and where did it come from? it’s the kind of thing that makes you want to run away.

which kind of ties in to the other part of what i wanted to say. i’ve felt empty for so long. pointless. blah. nothing. and i really wouldn’t call it an unhappiness. just unfulfilled. well, long story short i guess, i believe in god again. that’s been a long time coming i think. and not crazy deluded manic 2004 me that was saving the world from the apocalypse. i just know he’s there. or she. or it. and not a christian god. just god.

and my life hasn’t gotten magically better or anything but it’s an awesome feeling. one i hadn’t expected to happen. especially after being such a hardcore atheist for so long. anyway, that wasn’t meant to be anything other than writing down my thoughts. there’s no message.

work is going pretty good. i’ve been a union pipefitter apprentice now for about 4 months. at first i really sucked at it but i seem to be coming along alright. there was a point about 3 weeks ago where i was on really thin ice for not being good enough and quite a few times where i wanted to quit but i think that’s all over now. i like it. i’m learning a lot. i’m making decent money now. eventually i’ll be making good money. i just hope it keeps going well.

sorry i’m not on here a lot.