something, something, great

Wow, it’s weird seeing a 32 next to my age. It’s been a long time since I made any kind of post here. Maybe longer than it should be.

I’m still here, still living. But I hate my life. I hate myself. This is not what I had in mind coming out of high school or even 10 years ago or so when I started writing an open diary. I’m unable to even be truly honest even on here so it’s utterly terrible inside my head. Life should be about identifying problems and then solving them. I’m just stuck in this cycle of knowing my problems and then doing nothing about them. On top of that I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to have health problems and my teeth are getting kind of bad and yet I do the same things that give me the same results and I feel the same shitty way about myself. Over and over and over.

I wish that I was going to some kind of resolve like “Haha! not anymore” but really this is just me trying to find some way to deal with how I can’t go on like this. Every day is just grueling. Every day I wake up and am just satisfied to have made it through to give it another shot tomorrow. I can’t keep doing this, really, I can’t.

While I’ve strongly considered suicide (and this is the first time I’ve ever said that “out loud”) I know that it is not the thing to do. And not something I’ve thought about in awhile. I don’t want to make this a depressive, suicidal thing. This is just what is coming out of me as I’ve decided to make an entry.

I’m doing ok. It’s not THAT bad. But this is something I can’t just keep inside of me anymore.

So for anyone, if anyone, who happens to read this. Please know that I am not suicidal. But this is definitely some kind of a cry for help. Even if this is just me venting and getting my thoughts out into words, it’s probably for the better. I’ve gone on way too long with my family and my friends pretending everything is ok. It’s not. It’s really not.

And if you go through my diary and look at the things I’ve written you would think that the the biggest concern of mine would be handling my bipolar disorder. That is only a problem when it comes up, and it has the past couple years but really I am just trying to deal with life and I don’t have the tools to do so.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve gone on a little too long with this. I’m just a guy having a rough time.