No sleep

Well. I did sleep in, yesterday.  Today, hopefully we get some very much needed rain. It needs to downpour all day and night for 3 consecutive days, to maybe catch up. Literally dry AF in April and most of may.

I did plant the tomatoes weeks ago and i see they might or might not produce, this year.

I sure how it does.

Im up at 330am, because ihad to potty and i ended up skipping out of game night w my son because i fell asleep.

I really hope he gets paid decent tomorrow.  We need groceries.  Thats a whole other aggravated conversation, though.

I just wish i wasn’t so angry but then i go to fb memories and honestly, it triggers it.

I mentioned july 11th, i think.

What i don’t understand is wtf is mental health court?

Then i get mad. Because he is trying yet again to manipulate the system and mad because theres noone i could just randomly call and tell them. Tell them what, though?

That his real issue is aggravated because hes a drug addict and if he would stay off the meth and continue to use the other resources given to him including his prescription medicine AND keeping him off pot would be beneficial instead?

Or is it like ordered for anger management? He can manipulate that, too like he did to me.

Just …. ugh.

The good news is our 6 yr old has finally mostly stopped completely talking about her deceased ancestors and her dad.

Hopefully she has accepted my truthful answers that 8 think he does love her but he is very sick and is in prison and may not ever come out.

He will, but idk when and i know he will absolutely try to come at me at some point which i guess is why I’m on high alert for all this crap.

I just want to move.

If we move, he can’t just drive here on his motorcycle and pop in at random.

Then my anxiety will go away every time i hear a motorcycle.

Every knock on my door. Every wrong number.

Ever since dec when i found out he was incarcerated, all that panic shit went away because i know hes not around. So i continue to watch.

I know its not healthy but its more because ill do just about anything to protect myself and my daughter after all the years of abuse i tolerated from him.

The sex was the only thing that kept us together.

Forever healing.

Rain tomorrow and Saturday.

I’m off to bed. I think.