little by little

I see him understanding that his words are out of line and his actions are just that he’s hurting. I talked with him for a bit, put my daughter to bed, and stayed down there for awhile.

He texted me asking for a back rub, but he was nude and ready to go. And I could tell this, because usually- he wears sweatshirt hoodie and clothes to bed. I massaged his back, he pretended to be asleep.

But then kept moving differently, so i knew what he was into.

My sex life with him has been absolutely amazing, but last night for the first time since he’s been home, I was repulsed by my own actions.

And i kept repeating all the ugly things he said to me the entire time. How can a man who just got done ignoring me for weeks at a time, and say such horrible things to me, be so vulnerable and why’d I even entertain it to begin with? I just felt sick by doing it.

And as usual, my little CB came running upstairs so I had to pause to put her back to bed.

I explained to him that i had to put her to sleep, first. He said he understood, and i told him he had a choice to either take care of himself or wait.

He wanted to wait. So after i put her to bed, i came back up and he got his way with me. I didn’t get off. I just couldn’t.  It brought me right back to those days in the hotel room, when we used to get together just to hang out for the night, he’d get me to do whatever with him, and then he’d roll over and go to bed.

EXACTLY LIKE HYPOMANIA!

I slept in our bed, with him as he had his night terrors. I fell asleep, Lilly bringing herself up as well.

around 2:30 I woke up to his anger on the phone to someone on the other end who had no idea where to find an address to take his stuff back to where

it was supposed to go. He had planned to take it early, and he had mentioned wanting to go to his sons, that they were picking him up.

I was upset because he had put it to me that his Son knew ALL about our shit and didn’t want me around. So, i asked him about this, and he blew up at me. I recorded all of it, this time so he could hear himself and the way he spoke with me.

I asked him pointed questions and he replied with a bunch of things that never came out of my mouth. I went back to the kids room after awhile and just slept. When i woke up around 7, he was asleep in the bed.

When he woke up, he went off again about going to his sons for the day. the thing is he thinks I don’t like his family. I explained to him in yet another language, that it wasn’t that i didn’t like his family, I didn’t like his family INVOLVEMENT in our relationship, nor did I appreciate his ex sticking her nose in where it don’t belong.   He told me that AJ didn’t actually hear what was going on, he just heard through the grapevine that we were having issues and he understands how THAT is. And I do, too. But that’s not what he said to me. He said AJ doesn’t feel comfortable around YOU and only wants ME to go with him and his other daughter to meet her parents. HUGE DIFFERENCE.

I asked him about Carolyn but he was very upset over it and I tried to tell him that she’s been his rock from day one and that she’s a very hurt little girl.

Okay, she’s an adult but still hurting very badly. Whatever she said to him, he wont repeat because he knows damn well he’s wrong!

And i think when i asked him why he’s pinning us against each other, he said she had me for years and now she’s jealous because blah blah blah….

Nope. No.  So then i asked him again, why we all couldn’t all just be a family and he almost cried about it and said, he’s working on this with his counselor. He then came downstairs, made a point to put the damn phone down and tried to participate with me. I asked him why he was dressed up, he got offended and wanted to change.

I told him that he looked good, but i was curious why he was wearing dress pants instead of his normal clothes.  He tried snapping, again.

I told him I’m just trying to understand, and if there’s no communication how can I understand. I asked him about why he was bringing so much stuff with him. Mind you, he JUST told me at 3am he was gonna move out.

So, I questioned it and he said his rig. And I told him why i asked. COMMUNICATION IS FUCKING IMPORTANT!

So he’s been gone since around noon, and I’ve been here quietly doing my stuff online.

I’d love to relax but its not time for that, yet. Hoping to get a solid night of rest.

Tomorrow is Vday. Don’t think he is planning to get me anything and IDC. I want HIM BACK THE WAY HE WAS BEFORE HIS MOM DIED!

Ugh. Just letting it all out. More, later.