Im back again

1. I’ve had a lot of shit go down in my life. I really am trying so hard to get my shit together for my kids but its been so rough.

I have a live in bf.

Been w him since November.

Hes a good guy, but he’s very vety inexperienced.

And idk. Theres some shit that i just can’t deal w on other levels.

Ive communicated w him about these issues i have w trusting anyone after the last asshole and unfortunately he’s been pulling some shit i just can’t wrsp my head around.  Emotionally cheating IS cheating.  Flirting online w chicks and calling them beautiful and saying all this shit i wish i never would have seen, is cheating.

He doesn’t know why he does it. It hurts and if you claim to love someone, you just don’t do those things.

And so now i don’t really trust him.

But

Here i am, anyway and what i tolerate is what will continue.

Sigh.

He pays the rent. I pay the food.

The bills…. welp.

Thats another story.

So stuck i am, once again.

Abyway, other than this…. idiot was here twice on his motorcycle w his gf by his side.

Both times our daughter didn’t see or know at all about it.

Shes 5 now.

He suspended support due to a medical condition, and now theres no back support and he pays nothing, not that he really did to begin w but every penny helped and now nothing at all.

Theres something that says generic support entered.

Idk what it means but from what i read, it means she gets nothing.

I supported him for 6 years, no seven. 2 of which were in prison, and now its like this and i just don’t want anything to do w him at all.

And lillys drs have diagnosed her and it states shes got reversable ptsd from the abuse caused by seeing her dads anger and abuse.

Oh my pretty girl is in school now, too.

And she loves it.

Last time he did try was a few months ago and i let it all out.

I was driving to pick her up actually.

He was at the end of the road on his harley turned and his gf was behind him on her harley.

Whuuuu….Why are you here?

I guess i can’t see my daughter, huh?

This isnt the way to do it after not seeing her for over a year. This isnt the way, stop fucking w her head!

You fucked her head up when she was born!

Ya and remember YOU don’t want her so why are you here?

 

He sped off.

 

He didn’t WANT her. I said to his gf who just stared at me and drive away.

 

Now every single time i hear a motorcycle, i get scared. Ptsd.

He can’t come to her like that after a year, its wrong!

Nope nope nope.

If he really wanted to see her and not start sh w me, he would have gone to the damn courts and filed for visitation.

If that even happens, i will fight it

He has anger problems and assault on his record. Idc if it got reduced, it us what it is.

So supervised visits at my moms house and him, which will never happen or not at all.

A mediator is not gonna help, either.

I want him to pay but i want him out of her life completely.

She deserves a father to love her unconditionally.

Her father is an asshole and so is the rest of his family for completely abandoning a 5 yr old so f them all.

My son has her back. I do. My momma does.

The rest can f off.

I feel better for writing.  I am tired now. I will write again tomorrow.