Clearly

I’m still really severely traumatized by the stuff that he did to me over the years, i keep reciting my anger in my head for what i allowed myself to endure from him.

And the fact that he and his flying monkeys would say, “it all makes sense now” when they first got together.

I want to laugh, scream at all of them in maniacal rage with tears in my eyes…. Ya, It all fuckin makes sense NOW, doesnt it?!

I have these brief thoughts in my head about selling his bike to his friends to pay off his child support and laughing all the way to the bank but of course that will never happen because this is reality and reality is shes seen less than 200 bucks in 3 years.

Im still really pissed we went from 580 a month to temporarily suspended.  I want to fight it now, but hes behind bars so what would it really do? Nothing.

Can put a lien on his bikes if they haven’t sold them already but first i would need a lawyer and i can’t afford it.

So people tell me just go. But I’m made because i feel like he should be held accountable and have some responsibility for it.

I do love my baby girl, shes 5 now and i will never ever regret my decision to keep her but i know she wouldn’t be here today, if he hadn’t spent the abortion money on meth. My anger today was listening to a song and the words reminded me of us, back then.

Anyways it doesn’t matter anymore.

I just know i won’t ever completely heal from this one.

Nor do i think i will ever feel that toxic but addictive crazy again.

Relief. Maybe.