Baby Steps

So when I told my mom about the car and what it costs, he came downstairs to listen to me. I finished my call and he kept walking around.

He was looking to approach me but i refused to engage. He walked into the hallway, and then walked back down it after mumbling something to himself.

I know hes mad at himself and now of course he’s twisting it around to me.

And twisting it to his own family, and while they refuse to talk to me because he told them I “overshare”

And I can freely admit it. But the thing that gets me is that all his counselors he believes are all on his side.

After telling them about his childhood, how he grew up and the things that were done to him, and what he’s doing to me now, do I really believe that

they all do tell him I’m toxic or that he needs to get a grip on reality? I’ll be honest with myself, I know I’ve been really scared and I hate when he gets like this.

So last night, he attempted to fix the car, but after looking at it, he cant.

I knew this but changing a spark plug is supposed to be easy to do, i guess.

IDK

Anyway he went up to his friends house, to drop off this housewarming gift. Came home, we talked briefly, and he communicated he was going to bed, and kissed me good night.

Now, normally my ass would follow him. Last night, I did not. I went back into the other room and slept with our daughter.

She needs me more than he does, hes a grown ass man and knows that what he’s been doing isn’t right what he said really hurt deep has yet to apologize and until he changes this, He cant have me.

 

And i think he was upset about that.

But IDC.

Its gonna take a bit for him to get out of this and then, who tf knows.

At 2:30, i had to use the bathroom but i heard him prior to this out in the kitchen making coffee. I waited until he went upstairs.

I went, came down and he was already down here. I asked him why he was awake at that hour, and he started getting irritated. Hes ALWAYS up at that hour. Well, yes and no. But he didnt leave for work until 6am. He went to sleep at 10pm.

So, Im concerned because thats not a whole lot of REM sleep for him, and we both know it.

Instead of arguing, I walked away and went back to bed

Let him try to argue with me for asking him a question.

NAH.

Today, I got up around 6:30, and my lilly woke up shortly afterwards.

She’s now playing in her room with her cats.

This week has been so exhausting, I don’t really think Anyone unless they are going through it with their own, and I’ve been reading up on it very well, so I do know that the exact same stuff he’s been doing to me, is occurring in others during his manic state.

I know that anyone who knows him well, would know this. Anyone who knows ANYTHING about the subject should understand that its really not me at all, it is him and him alone.

He needs to change it.

Im not going to tolerate disrespect, Im not going to tolerate being lied to, and Im certainly not going to be manipulated, anymore.

Because I know the true man under it and he’s absolutely NOTHING like it. He’s kind Hes loving, hes amazing, he puts the effort in.

Its just when he doesn’t, i get stressed.

This morning, I texted and called him to see if he was okay. two hours later he called me, they are there but not so sure they’ll be working, today.

He might be home soon enough.

Im going to get my shit done today, though.

I feel very motivated when he’s not here and not so much when he is.

And I need to figure THAT out, too.