8 years ago… pre daughter

Gratitude day 4: so, to start it out…There are two of my favorite pills on the counter screaming my name. They are not mine, but they were once my friends. 11 some years ago. Before that… We go way back. I am grateful for being strong enough to stay the fuck away and for knowing better. No matter how much pain I may be in now, its all mental. They will only serve to numb the pain that I have inside me. Yet I am glad….. For being able to smile and wave at my old friend, and walk away. I got this. I’m not weak. I know better. I don’t need it. Or even want it. Fuck off. What’s that quote? You cannot control me. I don’t want you. Grateful to walk away. The past behind me.
I do want the strong, independent woman back in my life. I see her looking back at me, behind the torn and rotted curtain of what I was. She’s scared. I’m scared to let her in. You know why…. She wrecked herself last time. But still confident. Too cocky though. Too… Something. I don’t want that one. If you are in the know… You knew. If not… Maybe I will write a book on it, one day. Make me rich. Buy it. “Memoires of Eos. ” Fucking Ding! Title started. Alt 0168 that. K? Mine. Coming soon.

She’s dead to me now… Dead but still kicking. That’s just the nerves though… I want the one that was so confident she could be on her own. A new curtain. She was happy. She laughed at the world. I want change, and It will come to me. I can do this. Now. The right fucking way. All three of me. I like advice but I got this shit handled. Its not how I wanted to do this but I have to. For me. My son. My true love. He can handle it. I wont let him down. Ever. My son is my world. I will never talk down about it, not in front of him. I broke… Shattered that mold. In the trash.

I am grateful for those who rode out my last storm…. And are talking me through this one. I am grateful that after all these fucking years, I still got my people. Can I call you my people? All of you. You all reside in so many parts of the world but we still got each other. I think often of each of you. I am grateful that my childhood friends are still a part of my life. So many years missed but it does not matter. We got each other again. Full fucking circle. That’s a big deal. My sisters n brothers, my family of friends. The Him in my life. He puts up w too much. I don’t deserve to have you. Please Don’t fly, it will be fine.. You will see. But… I have to give love. Its kinda what I do. Even though this reads kinda like a downer, sober though… I had to write. I just want you to know… I am Grateful for it all….