Incomplete Checklist
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"Incomplete Checklist"
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Within seven months
"The Good"
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I have….
gone dress shopping with my girls
crossed a lot of ‘firsts’ off my list
gone on a official date
had the car door open for me
Played hooky from work
Gone to a spa all day and enjoyed every moment
Not been fired
Started working out again (tummy pain or no pain)
Had my midyear review and received an exceeds-plus
Quit smoking
Laughed on my way to and home from work more times than I can count
Gave my heart to someone
Told someone I loved them
Brainstormed landscaping ideas and chilled with J
Felt so safe in someone’s arms I did not want to move
Gone for long walks
Been so very close to having my own house
Got a cell phone…that I have no idea how to use
dropped work deductions by $220,000
saved a lot of money in my personal bank account
learned how to do some banking
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Within seven months
"The Bad"
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I have….
lost my virginity
Almost died
Lost my appendix
Quit smoking
Got pinkeye
Crossed a lot of ‘firsts’ off my list
Gave my heart to someone
Been truly heartbroken
Lost -what I think was- my first true love …..Actually never even ‘had’ him….
Gained 10lbs…
Maybe 15
Entered a rollercoaster from slight to sever depression- ongoing
(very much perpetuated by the weight gain and mind games)
Cried on my way to and home from work more times than I can count
Cried myself to sleep when the
re were still tears left to cry
Had a chunk of my bumper taken out of my car L
Was ‘defriended’ by someone I knew for 8 years because he could not be just ‘my friend’
Had my best friend tell me she thinks she is losing me
Felt so alone it hurt….—-
By: Sun © 2007
Sun sidenote– Ah whatta life…..so…I am going to take space to sum up 2 dreams I had this weekend…just so I have a record…and I will pull out a slight rant…at least I feel one coming on so…we shall see how it goes…
Dream 1– Friday (which I believe this is tied into what happened on Thursday) I was in an old house….not one that I have been in before but it was HUGE and set up as a townhouse sorta its real hard to explain but I can still see it in my head…anyways I was there with some guy- no face/do not know him….we went to see this old woman…who did fortune telling stuff….I can not remember all of the details I should have wrote it down on Friday but anyways…I was walking up the stairs/running cause I was trying to hide ? There was a door at the top of the second floor steps I was up on the landing and I saw eyes under the door….2 sets….then all of a sudden this cat stuck its head out threw the bottom of the door…it was trying to attack me…for some reason I thought that if it bite me (broke my skin with teeth) it had some form of ‘cancer’ or disease..I would get it….it kept biting me but never broke the skin…I tried to kill it…I held its mouth open and tried to break its jaw *blinks* I know wtf….it then bite on to my arm and it would not let it go…the guy would come n try to help me….although I was calm I was also scared and when I think about it is was kinda funny cause I was flinging my arm around and the cat was flip flopping all over the place….I am pretty sure I got away
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Dream 2– last night I was at some store looking for these dinosaur figures? once again not a clue! Neways they did not have the one I was looking for so I was going to take the elevator to the sixth floor…I was there with this chick from highschool I knew- not a damn clue why she was there with me….but I missed the vator she got on so I went around to another one and got on….this is when the vator was real weird n was kinda broken? The numbers started jumping around and the vator was going past 6 and went to 9 then 13 but it was like ridiculously high and wobbling….I have a slight fear of heights…or falling from them rather 😛 so I close the door and tried to go back down…this is when it turned into one of those rides that spin flipping upsidedown and back around in a circle….so I was holding on and my sunglasses kept falling down….when I finally stopped flipping I could see people waiting for me at the bottom….
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Rant – I have a few things to rant about and I am really just being lazy and writing everything in this diary instead of writing in the other two I have…but meh….just to set my mood n tone right now I am actually really good…I am content and not much is bothering me…saying that might seem weird after what has happened but oh well….
…..so first this guy that used to be my friend….til well about 12 today when I received an email from him…pretty much telling me off and putting me down….apparently he is pissed…*shrugs*….I have told him more times then I can count where I stand…in this situation…that I do not like him that way…I never will (which I actually said exactly like that)….because the frist 7+ conversations apparently were not good enough for him….I did make a mistake like 6 years ago…and I apologized for it..we talked about it and I did not make another mistake since then…honestly I did not mind if he needed to talk…or how many times…etc etc I would talk about it and I would let him know where I stood….everytime we would finish one of these sessions I would move a bit futher away from him because I was trying to not give him any hope….of things going anywhere but friends…he informed me that he understood….and he wanted me to just forget about everything he would say and just be friends….I would….and I thought he did as well…apparently this was not the case….I got this email swearing at me….telling me he is tired of being in my friend zone…tired listening to me talk about people that I date…he is not a shoulder for me to cry on when someone f’s me over…he doesnt want to hear any of this ‘shit’….I found it kinda interesting on the different perspectives of people…like how I saw what was going on…and him…was sooo different….mind u he def was keeping his actual feelings from me….but I did not go to him for his shoulder ever!…he used to ask me about what was going on etc etc and I would tell him….he was not someone you go to talk about that stuff…not for me anyways…that is what my best friends are for…def not him….this whole time he was just ‘pretending’ to be my friend??…the whole thing is just stupid and I dont have time for it…..I replied back to him…simply to say that he had no right to speak to me in that fashion…like at all! I will not sit and have someone disrespect me…..especially when all he had to say was that he cant be or doesnt want to be ‘friends’ with me….I would understand it…I have been there….not in the same position since I have not ever fallen for one of my ‘friends’ but…people that I was with.
….he was just way off line….angry or not he should have thought a tad before sending me that garbage…and with that I am gone is he deleted off my msn…emails blocked…off facebook…all comments deleted….like I do not have a single problem kicking people out of my life….as long as my heart is not involved which I will get to….he was a friend….he went waaaay over the top….and….now he no longer exists to me….oh well
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and now my heart…..it is kind of interesting because I am doing well….it is not seeming to bother me that much….so I am not sure if I am fullying accepting what has gone on or if I am just brushing it off….I am def not trying to brush it off….I tend to be VERY emotional when it comes to E so my tolerance is kinda out of character for me….anyways…….things have been falling down hill…he is stressed about work…money….etc etc…I feel like I am being ignored….when I would ask him what was going on he would just be ‘busy’ and ‘stressed’….I did not really buy it….and I was struggling…I tired miserably to not bother him…it was upseting me….that I had a feeling that everything was not on the table…he was being different….he was being distant and when I asked him about it…he said nothing had changed…once again ‘busy’ etc etc…um not buying it…..called him on wednesday….he pulls out he needs to call ‘somebody’ he has never done this…somebody?…I let it go…thought he would fill me in…since he normally does….he didnt…thursday we were talking and I brought it up and asked who the someone was….since apparently he was not just going to tell me….so it is some girl….I asked what she was to him….’close friend’….he then went on asking why i was doing this…and if I thought he would lie about it….I told him I already had an idea….I was asking to talk about it…and I will not live in ignorance I need to know what is going on….I then asked him what I was to him…his reply made my heart sink to the floor ‘close friend’….we have talked about this so many times it is stupid…..I deserve so much better than this 🙂 ….I asked him if he didnt want to be with me….he said that was not it…I said well if I am not the one then I will just go….he said it is not that you are not the one…..I told him I could not and did not want to be his ‘friend’….apparently I expect people to be upfront with me as I am with them….I would ask…I would give him the opportunity to tell me what I was to him…he never had an answer….he didnt know what he wanted from me….and I am a huge fool for sticking it out….knowing that he didnt know what he wanted….but I fell for him…he told me to just give him some time and I had no problem giving him the time to try to figure things out….I am in no rush for things but you have to give me something to work with and I have known him for over a year now… he did this….the phone conversation did not go well……he made me feel…unimportant…and belittled… he asked me if I was never going to talk to him again….since he knows I will just end things….I do not have toxic people in my life….I did not answer him…I told him we talked about this before….and since I have gone back on my word with him before I was not about to make a statement that I could not keep…I told him before I was leaving…and we ended back to dealing with each other…..however….this is the first time…that I actually have no desire to speak with him….not even a little….I said what I had to say….he pulled out things that reminded me of the other guy I dealt with back in the day and that made it real easy for me to stay away…. since thursday he has not called to apologize….or find out if I am okay…nothing….I know that I was being crazy…and that part is def my fault….but he is the one that made me that way…..by not being straight with me… really I cant be anywhere around him…I was upset and getting more so…I do NOT like being like that….I do not want to argue and make accusations….I have better things to do with my time…
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lol….my exfriend would just loooove to hear that story haha….I know its kinda mean to laugh….and I would have taken a completely different approach….because feelings are delicate…I know!…but he was so disrespectful and rude….*shrugs*
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I had a good weekend…I went for a real long walk…and spoke with my best friend for a good 2 hrs…I chilled outside because it was lovely! I am actually going back out there when Im done this……J n I had a long talk….n designed some stuff…for his yard….had a few guests over…..we watched drumline….and drank too much lol….there might be a house going up for sale right down the street from here…which would be ideal! we spoke with the owner and he is looking to sell soon….so that might be great…have to see…Im going to dinner with X morrow after work….that should be fun….I have to remember not to go straight home lol…..and on saturday my best friend n I are going to get together n chill…might have a fondue partay 😀 ….