Resurrect

Today’s music:  O God – Jenny Owen Youngs 

Last night’s dream:  I was in the yard of my childhood home. I had just bought the house and had been moving things in and out. I had a few friends and acquaintances stop by to say hello. We were sitting on top of a picnic table and a woman came over and introduced herself. I couldn’t remember where I knew her from and then she mentioned your name. I told her we were no longer together and she gave me her condolences. I smiled and told her it was quite alright – life goes on and this is just a part of it. I saw two other people out of the corner of my eye walk towards the yard but I kept my gaze on the group I had been talking to. It was only when I saw them turn their heads and stop talking that I knew it was you. You and your girlfriend. Everyone grew silent. I was sitting down and you walked over, looked at me sweetly and smiled. I smiled back, not knowing what to say. It was an intense moment…and the others dispersed. Your girlfriend stood a few feet away, looking on. We had no words for each other…

You inched closer to me, leaned down and gave me a tender hug that lasted a very long time. In that moment it was just us, sharing the same space…wrapped in a vacuum of warmth and scents.

 Your girlfriend cleared her throat. You released your hold and I sat there, bewildered. It reminded me of the first week we ever spent together. You had a girlfriend then, too. And I remember how you touched me then with your playful foot massage – how your fingers slowly moved up my leg and inner thigh…how I dug my nails in the carpet, refusing to cross the line. But back to the dream… yes, your girlfriend cleared her throat. You snapped yourself away from me and simply wished me luck…though for what, I don’t know. There was calm in the air but something serious loomed about that had you concerned. You walked back towards your girlfriend and then introduced me to her, as she sat down. I studied her – I studied the situation. You and her. She and you. Together. A couple. What we used to be.

She seemed sweet, nice, pure, kind…whatever pleasant word you want to incorporate, she was all of that. I took the two of you in and accepted the situation. I remember thinking this was the only way if we were to be friends.

And then the scene switched. We were at a large dinner table with 15 others or so. There was an event that involved a Shaman and he was foretelling events to people and giving spiritual advice. You were sitting with your girlfriend and I was on my feet, standing against the wall opposite from you.  The Shaman turned to you and spoke. He said you and your girlfriend would never find the completeness you are looking for. And then he pointed to me. His eyes were still on you and said that you were still connected to me, and I to you. That our souls will never be at peace with anyone else so long as one of us is alive. We all took a deep breath. You, your girlfriend, and me.  This didn’t come as a surprise to her. There was a look on her face as if she knew…as if hearing this was a relief…and she withdrew her hand from yours.  You and I were in a state of shock. We looked at each other for a long period of time, not knowing what to do. And it didn’t help that he kept repeating his words… we are connected. We are tied together. That you will not be completely full with anyone else so long as I’m alive.

I could feel your pain. As much as I had hoped in that moment, I could not feel your hope. So I walked over to the head of the table. There was a fire and in my mind, I knew this was a sacred thing that held the key to your happiness. I reached into my pocket, pulled an item out of my hand that symbolized my spirit, and threw it into the fire. I knew I’d be dead before the morning. I returned to my original space, looked at you, attempted to smile for the both of us and told you everything would be alright and that I was giving you the peace you wanted with someone else.  I don’t know how you reacted. You were in a state of shock so I could not tell.

And then I woke up.