A ceremony of sorts

I woke up this morning to prose in my mind. There must have been a good four different lines to start a short story or novel. Why I don’t write these things down, I don’t know. 

I’m back home now and listening to the new Stars album. I spent the whole of Friday in London with a few good friends. I had a float in the morning, followed by coffee at Monmouth and lunch at the market. We ate in the courtyard of my favorite gothic cathedral and spent some time inside. It’s amazing how much time and space can change a person’s outlook. The last time I was in this cathedral, we were lighting candles and secretly wishing upon our future together. I remember feeling light and hopeful. I remember thinking anything was possible and was delighted by your smile and stare. This time, however, I found myself solid and grounded. I found myself contemplative and wiser to realities. I walked with knowledge in my step – neither light nor heavy. I could feel the blueprint of our energy still lingering in that particular room of the cathedral. I was neither sad nor relieved. It happened. We happened. And I think I am finally able to put us away…as if I were visiting a final resting place. I acknowledged the love and innocence we shared…the beauty in the newness of it all and how you helped shape my liver and experience. You had widened a corner of my world and appreciate you for it. There’s the reality of the past and there’s the reality of the future. Had you thought we were worth it…had you still been in love with me, you would have reached out. But you didn’t. And I respect that. Hold on when you get love and let go when you give it. So I held a silent symbolic funeral for us in my mind. I sat in a room and cried it out of my system. One candle lit to illuminate the past two years of darkness. One small and steady flame to burn what once was to shape something new. There I was, in a city we shared, for the first time without you. And that was alright. I will always love you and know the need to say goodbye. Otherwise "loose ends will tie knots." 

After the cathedral, I found the guys and I walked them to St. Pauls, where I left them and went to the bank to order a new bank card and change my address. In the evening, I met up with Caz and we talked for hours. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year and a half since I last saw her and we picked up immediately. We mostly talked about her failed relationship with the guy she just broke up with and other things. It’s odd…I didn’t feel like I was heading back to the states. I felt I was home and wondered if and when I’ll come back. I’ve been offered to relocate to Canada and the UK team has asked for more of my presence but for the time home is in Ohio and Ohio, despite the political landscape, has been good for the return of my soul. 

Saturday morning I left for the states and my patience was tested for a good 8 hours when I landed in NYC. A storm had cancelled my flight to Columbus and I managed to get the last seat for the last flight out but even that was delayed for 3 hours. I didn’t touch down in Columbus until midnight and by the time I got home, I had been awake for 23 hours. So I spent most of Sunday in a daze. Now it’s Monday and I’ve taken today and tomorrow off to just be. Oh….I have a new fave magazine. Scientific American. I love it and it feeds into my hobby of cognitive science. I had two editions with me and they certainly helped pass the time between flights. The human brain is perhaps the most mysterious and beautiful thing I’ve ever studied. I’m giddy over the hippocampus, the medial temporal lobe, the amygdala, cerebral cortex, frontal lobe and prefrontal cortex. Anything to do with memory, emotion and learning… we are complex creatures and unraveling that complexity is addicting..even at this stage of my life if it’s just a hobby.