Why?
Ive always wanted to be the woman thats wanted. Ive always wanted to be swept away. I used to fantasize about my man lifting me from the ground and taking me to make love. Him not being able to keep his hands,eyes, and mind off me. Him setting up a date night where he seduces me by a candle light dinner. But as I get older, ive started to see that if that actually happens it only happens to the wealthy, beautiful people. It doesn’t happen to the poor with scars and physical flaws.
I’ve planned dates, ive made “costumes”, done things I really wasnt into, ive put so much effort into keeping the flames ablaze and fulfilling the fantasies. No ones ever left me a note to put on this dress and be ready by 8, no one’s ran me a bubble bath, no ones ever faught to keep me, and not once has anyone taken me out to propose. Its always just been an I want to marry you and here is a ring.
This tells me that I’m not worth it. Even my “best friend” hasn’t reached out to me in months, my family hasnt seen me in 2 years and weve only spoke 3 or 4 times, so I dont believe anyone would miss me if I vanished. Or even notice in gone. The man I love sleeps while I’m awake, he doesnt hold me, we dont go out, he doesnt take care of me when I’m sick and this is the nest relationship ive ever had. So being the common denominator in every shitty step, science sais its an easy determination that I am the root cause of the shit. So why I am here, holding onto the life thats never offered me anything?
Please dont judge, I’m hard working, I can be fun (or so I’m told), and id like to think that overall I’m at least a 6 out of 10 on the beauty scale, I’m independent, loving, unmaterialistic, genrous, supportive, kind, thoughtful, empathetic and sympathetic. I can cook, and work on vehicles, and even have been told my sex is the best everyone had/has ever had. So what is wrong with me that I’m not worth anything to anyone?
Ive been engaged 5 times, I’m almost 30, and every single relationship stopped while I kept going, fighting, trying, changing myself, and I begged and gotten nothing but abuse, or left with the void. I don’t get it. And I’m all alone, and I’m running out of the fuel that has kept my fire going. Maybe that’s what’s supposed to happen? My fire burn out and I become a boring, numb, robot like vassal that used to house my soul.
Your heart poured out for the world to read, may your word not go to waste. In times of heartache and disappointment I can only pray that the fire on your soul will not grow cold. Being wanted by others is a heavy burden to bear and takes a toll on your well-being. I implore you to take on one last task and go on a journey that will make your fire last. I am not a saint myself so go be bold and don’t let the world decide your fate. Don’t change yourself but learn about yourself. And what you like in this life. This life is too short to hold on to those who don’t want us. Find people who are like minded like yourself and don’t settle for less. You are worth much more.
@truthinlove Thank you for those words. They really impacted me deep. Every day that goes by my consideration to move on is growing. I dont think I can handle anymore put downs and reminders of how lonely I truly am. Tonight, because I didn’t catch a sex hint, I was reminded how I have “used up all” of the support im supposed to get from the man I love and have decided to sleep in the spare room. I was gone for 3 hours before he went looking for me, and now hes even more pissed. So whats the damn point anymore?
@endlesschaos I read your latest dairy entry and realise how strong of a person you are. Although you have been wrong time and time again, you have truly expressed what love is and I pray that you may one day it is shown to you. Love is cherishing another despite their flaws, it’s not a magical ride but a rollercoaster where two decide they are willing to go on the journey together despite the up and downs. It takes work but it is possible when both continue to encourage each other and lift each other up. Love is not tearing people down nor using others for their own Benefit. I pray that your love may not go wasted but be used on those who truly deserve it. Your life is as precious are another’s so I beg you to remind yourself that you deserve to be comforted when you are sad, celebrated when you are happy and supported when you need it. I may be a stranger but I cannot imagine the pain you have been through 💔 If I never come back to this site, I just want you to know that you are not alone, there is someone out there rooting for you. You may see it but may these words let you feel it. Don’t let anyone take away your voice or your ability to make your own choices by using the name of love. It might be hard but moving on will give space to be alone and will allow you to enjoy things that was not possible before – you just need to reach out to those who truly care for you. If you cannot live for yourself, live for your children. Be bold.
I pray that God may guide you to someone who can truly love and treat you and your family right. I also pray that a friend reaches out to you and helps you on this journey. May he also protect you and your loved ones during this pandemic.
All the best and know that you are loved from afar,
Sincerely,
Truth in Love
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