I Blame Your Mother

I saw an article on Yahoo that caught my attention, "Seven Lessions a Father Should Teach His Son," and I came away a bit disappointed by the item that was missing from that list.  On further consideration, I have decided that the missing item is a result of the degradation of our god-given, nuclear family structure and I won’t be a bit surprised if several of the GOP presidential candidates don’t take up this issue in their upcoming mudfest.

The article mentions some very important things a father should teach his son; look people in the eye, be a loving husband, be compassionate but not a pushover, be open-minded, don’t expect the worst in people, expect to work hard and take nothing for granted.  What’s missing?  Grab it firmly, use both hands if necessary and, by all that is holy, aim.

Single parent, female headed households have dropped the ball and these mother’s sons are not learning how to piss standing up.  I have been appalled, appalled I tell you, by the splash zones around nearly every public urinal I’ve used over the past couple of years.  What could possibly account for the lousy pissing skills of today’s men?  Women teachers, that’s who.

It is my understanding that ever since Eve donned a grapeleaf women have been taught that they should never (rarely) touch in public any part of their body that is normally covered by clothing.  And either accidentally, deliberately or subliminally these mothers are teaching these sons the same behaviors.  Ladies, your son has to firmly grasp, confidently extend and continue to aim his penis throughout this process.  Failure in any one of these steps will result in an out of control whiz stick.  Women have to bare it, squat and let fly and from that point onward they can be concerned about mundane things like balancing atop, but not on, the toilet seat and not dropping everything they are trying to hold.  Guys have to be eternally vigilant or the stream begins to wander.

Moms, your little boys have no objection to hands on contact with their penis, so please encourage them to keep their eye and hand(s) on their business when they are doing their business.  I, for one, will thank you profusely if not publically.

For those two parent families with fathers that should know how to piss I have no idea what you were thinking when you didn’t teach your son this important skill.

Ender is out.