~*40 New and Downgraded Emily

I completely forgot I had this until I was trying to sign up for a new account and this username had already been taken. Anyways…

I’ve just read the entirety of this diary and actually feel better. An hour ago I completely broke down. I am embarrassed by who I was in college, and I realize I should have found some better friends (other than Sara.)

I am just completely broken. None of the old gang are around anymore. New friends/work friends I put on a front for. I can’t seem to open up to anyone, except when I forced my family into counseling, sort of.

My dad has been a violent alcoholic since before I can remember. When the kids got too big to hit, he started using my mom as his occasional punching bag. Then one day, he blew up at me for the last time. I told my mom I never wanted to see him or speak to him ever again, and she didn’t even try to get in touch with me for two weeks when I told Chelsea that I was upset about it. Of course she eventually tried to pull the whole “You don’t appreciate me paying for your college and should just suck it up” shtick. This time I didn’t buy it. I threw in her face the fact that she’s known about my depression since I was nine years old and chose to ignore it. I blamed a lot of how I felt on my parent’s relationship and how they handled it when I was a kid. And I told her I was not going through all that again, that I needed to protect myself because she couldn’t.

So she concocts the idea that made if we go to therapy, and she pretends to care that things will go back to normal. The therapist was right about everything except that I don’t need more one on one time from my dad, I need him to see he was wrong and go to anger management and stop drinking. She also assumed that what I felt towards my parents was love. The end result was that I got to hear my father tell me he doesn’t miss me and that he will never change. I also learned that Parker is both their favorites. My mom took none of her advice and would yell at my sister about things said during our sessions, that she needed to hide that my father was still having blow ups and stop painting a negative picture of him to me. Oh! Then I learned that the only thing my father appreciates about his children is that none of us turned out gay. Then my parents stopped going to therapy completely because I agreed to go to 2 awkward forced family gatherings outside of therapy where I would rarely make eye contact let alone speak to him. Guess it’s all fixed right?

I begrudgingly agreed to go to lunch with my parents and brother Saturday but left as soon as we got back. Then my parents were texting me all night that it was movie night and “We want you to know you’re welcome.” As if that was the problem, I didn’t know I was still welcome in your home. Have you already forgotten everything I opened up to you about?

At this point I give up. Sometimes I think about just moving down south and stating over. Sometimes I think about suicide but then remember my cat. Pretty pathetic when the only living thing worth having me around for is a cat.

But how do I fix it? The steps seem so easy. Stop drinking. Get more sleep. Start going to the gym again. Eat smaller portions. But then I think “I’ll never be able to fall asleep without some alcohol,” which is true. Then I am too tired to go to the gym the next day and survive off coffee and carbs. By the time I get home from work I’m passed out for a 2 hour nap as soon as I get in the door and repeat the cycle all over again. I’m in a If You Give a Mouse a Cookie situation.

But perhaps we can try this again. Venting to myself so someday I can look back at this, see what a fool I was, and keep doing the same things with my life.