Rendering Lens

Things are beginning to feel like a count down. i am still in some sort of denial about how soon it is until i leave, and yet at the same time, i feel like i wish these days would pass more quickly.

These days where i feel so listless when i should be glavanting around the city and soaking in everything i want nothing but to do and feel and be nothing. Yet, i hate being in my apartment.

i have been going to the movies too much and have been wondering the streets with no purpose. No reason. i feel like a ghost already. And it has been too damn hot to be outside in the parks or the Village, so i end up sitting in my room with no shirt re-re-re-re-re-reading books. i think i am going to read Less Than Zero today in order to gear up for the trip.

These days when i go to work and think about how weird it is going to be to say goodbye to these people, and how i refuse to slack off despite my departure.

These days when i own 200 dollars here and 300 thera, and 8,000 somewhere else.

These days when i wish i could just dissolve and flake away and no one would notice.

But then i go to work and Mr. and Mrs. Posada left me some really nice things.(hat, shirt, photo) And the gesture means so much to me that i can’t even write them a decent thank you letter.

But then i walk around the village and ride the ferry once and buy a new CD and things feel okay.

But i cannot fit into my Tucson skin. It feels old and stale and it was never meant to come out of the drawer again. And i still can see nothing, well, very little positive right now.

But, then i hear the voices of my friends…, and Jenny makes me cry… and my sister talks to me.. and i hear that Damon is glad i’m going back.. and i feel that tug in my heart that reminded me how it felt to have people.

And then i look off the roof top again, and the midnight breeze engulfs me. And i wonder if i’ll ever be back. And even if i never see this city again, it will never leave my blood.

i wish i could sleep through the next five days and get this over with.

i wish i could sleep… because, as The Dane himself said once, who knows what dreams may come when we shuffle off this mortal coil.

i want new eyes to see myself with.