Pictures of You…

“i’ve been living so long with my pictures of you that i almost believe that they are real.”

Eva,

There were so many things. There ARE so many. There were nights just like tonight when we would do nothing but sit in the Safehouse drinking coffee and talking. And those nights still haunt my dreams. We would talk about anything and everything and when you dropped me off at home i would feel like my soul was fortified somehow. There were nights when you drove in pouring rain or painful heat and we would bowl, full of Soma and angst. There were early mornings getting gas as Exxon and buying candy for breakfast. Heavy sighs of relief and joy when we made it across the border. There were clear Tucson nights when we sat high above the city and mused about the miracle of just being. There were tears. There was you after i lost my virginity. And you when i finished my last day of school. Beautiful times. Horrible times. Oh god, and there was Denny’s (almost every one in town.) And cheese sticks. There was you.

“Remembering you running soft through the night. You were bigger, brighter and whiter than snow..”

Deanna,

You have been with me my whole life. You always will be. You. Like my life-blood. Like air. i remember days when you and i would sit at the bus station, and we were happy. i remember Magic Carpet golf, and we were happy. i remember us crying in each others’ arms, and we were happy. The night you lost your wallet at the U of A. The nights you last saw me in Tucson. i remember Pennsylvania and thinking that i was the luckiest person in the world. You took a coffeemaker to our last day of high school. You driving Justin’s car, and how we would listen to the Cure. Together. Talking about all those tomorrows we are living now. High. Sober. Drunk. Laughing. Serious. Together. i remember you here in New York and thinking i was the luckiest person in the world. Tired of life nights and jubilation. You actually went to my graduation ceremony. i still have the box to the mints you gave me. i remember sitting in the Sunnyside bleachers and soaking up the sun. When i think of you i remember how the sun shone in me. You, like the sun.

“And you screamed at the Make-Believe, screamed at the sky. And you finally found all the courage to let it all go…”

Jenny,

We ditched pep rallies together and hated everyone. You watched over me when i was too down and out to do it myself. We sat on the patio of your apartment wrapped in blankets and drinking wine. We had Twin Peaks and macaroni and cheese. We had clove cigarettes and blue valium. We had each other. We played pool in Sam’s Place, and you were there even when i played Oasis on the juke box all night and cried about Darin. We ate Sonic in your new apartment as Chester tried to spill drinks. We wrote songs together on Brad’s keyboard and placed Go. (you always won.) We shared lives. We had nights huddled in the rain and hugging in your park before you moved to Austin. We had Christmas’ in Clicks and Coronas in on your patio when you moved back. We had each other. We had Fight Club. We had talks that still give me goose bumps. i had you, and that was enough.

“Remembering you, how you used to be. Slow drowned you were angels, so much more than anything..”

Stephannie,

There was a language between us. Words that meant more then they ever could to other people: The Gallery. Downtown. Congress. The House of Sin. Mala Vita. Sharks. There was a language that meant friendship. Words that meant truth. Pregnancy tests that said more than we wanted to admit. Mogonic. To dance and to be free. How “on the north side” sometimes meant Phoenix. And how The Plaza meant 8 hours i was able to spend with you. How driving meant seeing the whole city and it being better because i was in your car. How “the east side” meant we got lost in Saguaro National Monument. The Don. James Dead. “Hell.” Luxury Bathrooms. The Cart., Yet, there is no way i can every say what all the meant to me. No way to explain the feeling of dancing to “My Sirona” in front of many strangers just to see you smile. No way to say how a little snow boarding trip made my life better. How being with you was the language of happiness.

“If only i’d known all the right ways, i would have held on to your heart…”

Amada,

If inspiration came to life, she’d look just like you. If brilliance had a twin, i’d know her. i am so lucky. that the past 10 years of my life meant having you. Even though we’ve grown a bit apart (my fault, fully.) i will never, ever let go of that which you gave me. And we all know you liked Roger. i still laugh sometimes at Clair and Annett. How i should have been married to Willy right now. Your strength and humor and ability is like a light shining to remind me not to give up on things. i miss you, and i am sorry i even have to. i still am amazed by you. Amazed at your ability to be the person you are. Thank you for that.

“there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart. There was nothing in the world that i ever wanted to more than to never feel the breaking apart all my pictures of you..

Justin,

Maybe it’s not fair to write this for you because you were not there all the time. But, then again, you were. You were there when we were together. When we talked and i thought i was finally seeing and finally thinking. You made me feel something. It was glorious and hellish. But i have you with me all the time. i miss you despite the truth of things now. i miss driving in your car with you. Smoking and feeling high. Drinking coffee and Stoli. Being afraid of what i was feeling. i wish things had not changed. But have they?

i hate forks in the road.