Jordan Catalano

Jordan Catalano as the Quintessential Heartbreak: How Jordan Catalano belongs to every girl.

i was thinking today, because i got out of work way too early and was sitting in the parking lot for a long time, that every male a female can harbour feelings for is only a real-life version of Jordan Catalano in some way. Granted, some of the are not as beautiful, some are not as dumb, most can read, some may be as musical, some less quiet… but never the less, they are all a little like Jordan.

Take any man you’ve ever lusted after, swooned over, loved, hated, and then loved again. Think of any man you’ve dreamt of, kissed, had sex with, and thought of in the shower. They all can boil down into a form, even if more basic or more acidic of Jordan Catalano.

i was sitting in the parking lot today thinking about Justin and how i really like hanging out with this guy at work because he’s so funny, and then i freaked out because i realized that he reminds me of Justin. And Justin, for all intents and purposes may be the pinnacle of my Jordan Catalano.

Why? Well, there are many reasons for this. At one point, Angela [Chase] talks about a dream she has. She says “The end of the dream is always the same. I catch up with him. I yell and scream — how he hurt and betrayed me, how I can never forgive him. He just stands there, like someone caught in a storm who’s stopped caring how wet he gets. Then I wake up. The storm of words still pounds through my body.” i could of had this dream. i have had many like it. Justin is that brooding side of Jordan sometimes. That deep-inside-there-is-so-much-i’ll-never-touch side. That summoning-because-you-want-to-be-lost-there-too type. That makes-you-smile-even-when-sad type. Justin is so much smarter than Jordan that this comparison is almost laughable. But there is the draw i cannot explain. i am drawn to him. Is it because he does not like me at all? Do i enjoy the humiliation of our friendship? Do i think any of this makes sense? i know that Angela felt demeaned and stupid. i feel it too. And i, too, thought that i could have Justin, but it’s only easy to catch him in my dreams.

There are other forms of Jordan Catalano though, and the easiest form to let go of is the Jodan Catalano as the most beautiful person i have ever seen form. That side of him is the incarnation of human beauty. Like my Vampire Paul. Like Danny McCormick. Paul Brown. Derek Jeter. Johnny Depp. Like Martin, Andrea. The guy you want to tell “you’re so beautiful, it hurts to look at you.” The man who cannot be real. We have all had that Jordan. That far-away Jordan who we lust after and dream about. But we never dream about talking or growing old together. Just sharing DNA. Kissing. Wine and Bear-Skin rugs. My favourite of this type of Jordan is most definitely Diego Rico, because he had no clue i was alive, but nights dreaming of him were reasons for living.

Then there’s the Jordan Catalano That we’ve somehow ended up landing. The crush we cannot believe we actually dated. The beautiful, sexy, manifestation of our dreams. This, for me, was Dan. He was dark and amazing and smart and beautiful. i wanted nothing but him, and for a short while, i had him. i had him and i should have been in heaven, but where i was was in this stupid pit of paranoia i built wondering why the hell Dan would want me. No self-esteem. No trust. i didn’t trust him because i could not understand why he liked me, and he thought he was using me. It was stupid, and in the end we went our separate ways. And i still think of him a lot.

The most recurrent Jordan Catalano, however, if the insane crush. The guy we do not know well enough but we like inside, outside. We dream of sharing DNA and talking. Wine and love. Vampire Paul, Justin, and Dan fused together. The Jordan Catalano we just met at work. The one that we imagine only great things about. When asked about Jordan Catalano, Angela once said “I just like how he’s always leaning. Against stuff. He leans great. Well, i want either sex or a conversation. Ideally both.” This is the Jordan that makes us just brave enough to talk to him and just insecure enough to wear perfume. The new people that keep us going.

Sadly, however, no one is ever now with their main Jordan. This is impossible because Jordan Catalano is not someone we can ever stay with. He is flaky and too beautiful and too selfish and stupid. He is everything we want and nothing we can keep. He is tantamount to over dosing. Something that feels too good, so we take too much and hurt ourselves. We want to stay with him, but Jordan Catalano is not practical nor he is tamable. And perhaps that is the most catholic experience of them all: losing our Jordan Catalano. Putting Violent Femmes on the CD player and feeling free to go out and find another one. And to start again.

“It’s amazing the things you notice. Like the corner of his collar that was coming undone, like he was from a poor family and couldn’t afford new shirts. That’s all I could see. The whole world was that unraveled piece of fabric. It’s such a lie that you should do what’s in your heart. If we all did what was in our hearts, the world would come to a halt.”