Closer to God.

“Let us be lovers, we’ll marry our fortunes together. I’ve got some real estate here in my bag . So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner’s pies And walked off to look for America . .

i am moving out on Friday. i will be moving in with Jenny and Brad. The three of us will share a two bedroom/two bathroom apartment. i am excited to be out of my house. i am excited to be living with Jenny and Brad. i am worried too, though. i think too much excitement turns into worry. i am trying not to let that happen. It is nearly a miracle that we were approved. So begins a new life. Again.

i started that “promotion” at work. That word for this change is a fucking joke. i am losing my perfect schedule (730-400 Sat/Sun off) and will be sent to nights. i don’t think that is worth the raise. Plus, i am no longer working with the two boys at work i grew a bit too fond of.

“Toss me a cigarette, I think there’s one in my raincoat . We smoked the last one an hour ago

So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine

And the moon rose over an open field …

Because i like Bryon Damnit. And he doesn’t like me. Which is fine. i still fucking enjoy talking to him and Mr. Jones and we laugh. And, so, fuck it all. Fuck all that heart shit because it is a waste of good friendships. i need to stop talking about it. Sadly, i’ll be away from them boys from now on. i am inviting them to the NEW APARTMENT for the weekend. Hopefully they will do me that favour. Wow, NEW APARTMENT. Despite my inital and lagging worries, that has a beautiful ring to it.

“Cathy, I’m lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping. I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why. Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike

And they’ve all gone to look for America. ..

i fear change so much, but i am ready for it. i cannot believe i will be on my own again. On my own but not, because i will have people i love so dearly under my roof. Not alone because not only them, but i have other people i have here in this same town. Not alone because i love. God damnit, i love. Empty and aching, yes, but not without relief. And i don’t know why! The things i want are bad. Like someone to love me unconditionally. Like B L O W. Like forget me nots to grow in my spine. Like happiness. Like crushing sorrow. All this stuff i want and i have nothing to give.

But things start again on Friday, and i am looking forward to that.