Bye Dad.

I found you randomly, found your painful entry with a click of the mouse. I am sorry to read that your father died suddenly. My own father was stricken by a paralyzing stroke that left him, at 56, trapped in a bed forever, but still intellectually there. A prison of the flesh, as William Gibson said. I read through your diary. Filled with ennui and notes from friends and strangers.

You like Chuck (who I never read) and Hemingway who I read, loved, re-read, and taught many times. “It is easy to be hard-boiled about things in the daytime, but at night it is another matter.” He’s good. Be careful of idolizing one author, though, of liking them so much that their ideas become yours.

“I didn’t want to know what it was all about,” wrote Hemingway about life. “I just wanted to know how to live in it.” But you should read some Norman Maclean to balance out Hemingway. Maclean wrote “A River Runs Through It,” but his best is “Young Men and Fire.”

“There is nothing wrong with romanticism, except that sometimes it isn’t enough.” Norman Maclean. I’m still a Romantic. The world is beautiful. It is also sad and ugly. The Japanese have a word for this simultaneous idea: a-wa-re. It is an art term, meaning a simultaneous understanding of the beauty and sadness of life.

I haven’t experienced the loss of a family member (other then my grandmother, but she wasn’t exactly a loved-one. She was evil incarnate, in fact), but when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer, the doctors said that he had a sarcoma, which is more or less a death sentence. And so I had to come to terms with the fact that, in a little less than a year, I wouldn’t have a father anymore…

And so I can at least sympathize. However, my dad was misdiagnosed which should be pretty apparent since he’s still alive. But it was a very scary time. Our situations differ, though, in that I was expecting him to die, and your died suddenly. I’m sorry for you loss, Em (I know that you’ve heard that a bajillion times), but you’re a strong person, and so I’m not worried about you…

My best wishes to you and yours. Love,

oh my god, sweetie, i’m so sorry.

i am so very sorry.

oh no…i don’t know what to say. I am so very sorry.

No!!!!!!!! Em, sweetie, I am so so so sorry!!! I’d call but I don’t know if you’re needing that right now… whatever you need, I’m here. Thinking of you. Love you. I’m so so so very sorry.

princess, princess 🙁 I was going to call you when I read this, but I’m sure you are sick of everyone bugging you..I love you sooo much and you are in my thoughts always.

as always i love you and i am here for you in any way you need me… the prayer service was beautiful. MonPetite NSI

Oh My God Emelye. I haven’t been to your page in a little while and thought what the heck let’s see what’s new. I’m terribly sorry. I just mailed you a package on Friday (10-3). I hope it will cheer you up. ~Valerie

I am so very sorry to come in and check on you now that I have my internet back and some desire to write and read this. I’ll be thinking of you. Amy (formerly Silently Screaming)

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.