Cigarette daydreams

I’ve picked up my nicotine habit again – for now. Not cigarettes but e-cigs; menthol, blech. So much going on with Zoe (20-year-old daughter) right now. She has blocked our entire family on social media and her phone. She is living with her toxic mother-in-law who has encouraged her to cut ties with all of us despite the fact that we have nothing to garner this. Her daughter is due March 22 and it looks like none of us are going to even know when she has her nor be able to see her. Everything feels weird and sad and anxious.

Work has been super busy lately. We have added so many new ongoing projects to my to-do list. Social media analytics, SEO, email marketing, content development. And lots of graphic design print work. It’s nice to be busy but overwhelming at the same time.

I just started “brainspotting” (google it, it’s amazing) with a new therapist to process childhood trauma. The first session was weird and exciting. So much stuff came up and I had a killer headache for the next 2 days which is a common side effect but well worth it. Apparently, trauma is stored in our lower cortex and this technique taps into those memories and emotions and allows you to process and release them. It’s a great time for me to be doing this. I don’t like to think about the abuse I suffered as a child. I have shoved it way, way down as a means of self-preservation. It’s weird to bring it or even admit that I was abused because I now have a really good relationship with my mother. A bit guarded still but good. I feel like I am betraying her somehow by thinking or talking about it. It was the cause of so many mistakes I have made over the course of my life. The whole thing is very sad but now I have a chance to deal with it and hopefully put it to rest.

I’m coming up on a year of sobriety next month. It has been relatively easy not to drink. My life is infinitely better now; no more shame or guilt and I like myself a whole lot more. I don’t know if it’s the naltrexone or the fact that I was just sick of living that way but I haven’t had even one real craving for alcohol. I’m very grateful for that.

Today is Saturday and I don’t have any real plans. I’ve been wanting to take a day trip to some small town to take pictures. I always think I want to do it but then never follow through. I’m reading a book called The Artist’s Way and it encourages you to have “artist dates” with yourself. I read it a few weeks ago but have yet to go on one. I also want to go to the museums here in Charlotte since I haven’t been since we moved here. It’s been hard for me to like Charlotte because I never wanted to leave Houston where my home and career were. I miss working for PBS so much. I feel like that wonderful time of my life is over and that I will never be able to have that again. I would like to get back into public broadcasting but have so far been unsuccessful in the local market. I give up for a while, then try again, then give up, a never-ending cycle.

Money is tight right now because I was out with the flu last week. I work part-time and don’t have any paid sick leave. That makes my prospects for the weekend rather gloomy. It’s rainy and dark out and that’s kind of comforting since I have to stay home.