Tyler.

What I want to say doesn’t change what happens if i do. But if I wanted to be a fool as say this, I would.

I would tell you how much I love you and how many times I’ve rewatched you walk out and everything inbetween.

I would tell you how I stayed up half the night curled in a ball dreaming you’d come home and waking like I’m in a massive nightmare.

I’d tell you how this feeling in 100x the feeling when I’m curled up in the other room wondering when you’ll come to bed because it feels like theres a knife in my back that I can’t see.

I just keep wishing you’d come home and tell me what happened. I wish you would’ve just got a ring like we had planned and made this business work.

I wish you wanted the things that I want out of life.

I think you cheated, but I hope you didn’t.

This life was supposed to be ours.

My home is with you and no one else.

I don’t want to rebuild.

I just wanted to feel like we were a unit, and our love would get us through anything.

I wanted to fill the gap inside you, but I never will be able to.

I wanted the kids, the family, what I thought we actually had.

When your gone I feel peace and pain, like it comes in waves.

I hate the bed.

I hate missing your eyes and your lips.

I hate how much I love you no matter what you do or don’t do.

I hate how I wish I could ball you up and keep you with me all the time.

You’ve done your best for us, and my daughter loves you and believes it’s her fault.

Part of me feels like it’s my fault.

No one talks about this part of love, no one reminds you that one day you may meet someone after you had a horrible abusive relationship, and then he’ll tell you he’s up for the challenge. He can be your partner and your new home. He scares the monsters under the bed away. He fills your heart with completion when he’s wrapped around you. He is the only thing you want to feel inside you. He is all you want. And then you get the scared. Scared you’ll lose the best thing you ever had. You fear everything because he is everything. He becomes your life. Then you lose yourself. So you try to get perspective and clarity. Suddenly he isn’t doing as well. You see it coming so you cry alone in the bathroom wondering if you’ll ever be enough. You want to hurt because your scared to be happy. You know every good thing has ended. You know people ruin lives. You know he could smash your dreams into bits just because. Then he really leaves. The house is empty, your heart is empty and the house feels new. Nothing feels like home. Not the shoe rack, not the table. You want to run away.

I hate the bed.

Then I think of the times I felt so disappointed. The times I wanted to leave this earth and you couldn’t bother to roll over and touch me when that’s all I needed. The times I caved and kissed you even though I hated you for not loving me correctly. The time you almost died and I saved your life just to be a made a fool of. The time I thought I was dying and you would be 10 feet away letting me die.

I don’t know why it has to be so hard.

I don’t know why I have to pick people that can’t love me the way I need loved.

I don’t want to miss you again.

 

Just know no matter how broken we are, you will always be a piece. You will always be remembered as what was once everything and then nothing.