The Ex-“Junkie” facing realities bullshit.

Heres a quick back story.

I am a recovering heroin addict.

I once faced a life full of drugs, abuse, job losses and institutionalization and incarceration.

Lost almost everything, went through the legal system, went through rehabilitation, graduated treatment court and nursing school. I am now and working nurse and mother.

A real mother, not just the title.

Sadly enough I’ve faced a similar problem that I’ve faced before, an abusive relationship.

I met a “good” man two years ago, when I first got clean. I was lonely, vulnerable, and insecure. I had nothing, but a clean day key tag and that’s it.

Well, now two years later the only thing I don’t have is a good relationship.

Over the past year my boyfriend became extremely abusive in all ways, progressively.

I have felt so torn down and useless, because I compared him to my ex and could not believe I was facing the same shit that got me where I was years ago.

I waited until I finished nursing school to decide to leave.

After getting hit in the face multiple times while he was driving home, before I got my paycheck, the police were called and I pressed charges.

I am feeling some awful feelings similar to when I was empty and using.

It’s a harsh reality to face when you are clean.

I put a restraining order on him, but I’m feeling rather sad about it.

I have been working an awful lot so I won’t think about it.

I thought I met someone who would be good for me. I don’t want to date again, I didn’t even want to date when I met him. That’s the problem.

I just feel sad without someone in my bed next to me, although I wasn’t happy.

It’s very bittersweet, I’m free of being controlled, but he has mind fucked me into believing he owns my body and my mind. I don’t understand why I miss someone so much that has been utter toxicity to my new life.

I am doing well in other aspects.

I am working my steps again, but I’ve been slacking on meetings.

I don’t want to live how I used to.

Trying to see his perspective and pain, gave me excuses for months. Although I believe he feels many things, It’s not truthful to the realistic view of how I’m seeing our relationships.

I don’t know.