Relieved in Choices

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ABOUT TO BE BROKE WITH A BUSINESS I AM DISAPPOINTED TO BE RUNNING ALONE.

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I need to calm this anger down. I need to tame the fear of-

How can you literally love someone to the core of your being and hate them at the same time???HOW?

How can you feel so complete and desolate in the same week.

Now I can say this love has become toxic, and I am one of the problems.

So, today I said some overly harsh words and my “boyfriend/manchild” left before the bills are due. Of course, when he owes 1,500.

This is exactly why I couldn’t marry him- how do you think it’s ever acceptable to leave a women and child high and dry? How can he sit here and say he’s sober and do that? OK.

I understand he still contributes, he cleans, picks my daughter up from school etc. Doesn’t actually work.

But this center, this dream I am developing- I ran with it and I want it to succeed. I will make it succeed.

He wants money. He wants to do nothing.

I have dumped thousands into this while he plays minecraft.

I love him, but I can’t be in the same room as him right now.

I want to cry as soon as I see him.

I can’t concentrate, my aura dies, I want to run and be free, then when I want him to go I want him to stay. Then I want to hug him and tell him not to go, please don’t go? But please go? Torn.

I can’t even look him in the eye’s because I feel physically ill, sad.

Because I know my instincts are correct. I know I will never get answers to things I believe.

He is gorgeous, and I’ve watched his beauty deteriorate.

There he was, sitting there while I thought I was going to die a few weeks ago. I really thought I was dying. I cried upstairs like a wounded dog just wishing I had some piece of a person to hold me for two seconds, just incase. Just incase it’s real. All I could think of is if I die, I die alone. If someone breaks in he won’t wake up and we’ll be vulnerable, If I have a stroke in my sleep he won’t know the difference. The fears grow wider and his help grows colder. The real question- would he even fucking care. He says he does. When I give him attention he reciprocates. He looks at me like he means it and for a second I believe he cares. Then I watch him do the opposite of what he says.

I am kindof relieved. Hurt and relieved.

I question what he want’s and I question what I even want. I don’t even know if I want to see men anymore. I almost want to just sleep with someone and feel better about it. Like sex will fix it. I may just get a friends with benefits girlfriend and call it a day. HAHA- jokes. Not a joke at all. I’ve been thinking about this. Maybe I worry about his sexuality because I am confused about mine. But either way, if you love someone you would do anything for them and we are both obviously on this love marygoround. We get along for two weeks and it’s like I have it all, the husband, the happiness, the children- I even want another one and get jealous of pregnant women. I fall in love over and over and forget how angry I was. Then I realize it’s a marygoround, It’s a fantasy. He is a walking marygoround, one second he is happy with the fantasy- he’s never going to leave me, we’re going to love eachother forever, he wants to be a husband, thennnnnnnnn he doesn’t care. His mental health rivets. I get angry. He smokes pot and sits on the couch playing video games at 12 while I just got back from school and I stayed up till 2 trying to figure out our business plan. I spent hours printing contracts for the sober house and trying to help them with groups, get them a life coach, help them build their lives. He just wants the money so he can leave. He has no use for me. I have asked him to send out like 10 emails in three weeks. I don’t understand. We mean nothing. I mean nothing. We suddenly don’t feel like a family and the silence builds up. I try to tell him how desperate I am for help, but I don’t know how to get him to understand. He argues, we argue, I feel like theres a hole ripping through me, and then I realize I wasted another man on my daughter. My daughter shouldn’t have to see her one true father figure mess up. I promised her he would stick around and I hate myself for lying to me.  One I finally believed and truly loved. One I did trust for a split second, and saw amazing potential for, one i risked my life for while he tried to die. One I can’t mend.

I don’t want to feel the hole growing anymore.

I don’t want to feel him anymore.

I don’t want him to hold my hand because I know it’s a string dangling over a cliff that could just be pulled up with the slightest little bit of effort. I’m hanging off the string and he just forgets im there. I know it’s fixable, I can see it the light. I can see how easy we could be happy for the rest of our lives. But it’s a fantasy. It’s a delusion. I always believed I was paranoid, but now I believe I was right all along. He uses people as he can and discards them when they don’t make him feel like he wants.

I may be a raging bitch that will ALWAYS tell him to do better and be who he is meant to be, but I will never leave someone I have given myself to until I believe there is not a single ounce of love left.

And I know since the moment I laid eyes on him he would continue to live only one life, for himself. He will never be what I want him to be, and it is pointless until I accept that.

That he feel’s no pain that I feel. Even when I beg to feel his. I have tried to bargain with things I don’t know, and answer his question’s he doesn’t have the answer to. But I don’t want to anymore, I want to be free. I want the freedom to leave this state and do this all on my own.

I know in my heart even broke as shit with an empty building and a ruined future marriage I will be just fine, because I always am. I always prevail, I alway’s overcome and even in my darkest hour- staring at myself in the mirror questioning the purpose of my life and how easy it would be to be with the people I miss most, I know I still have work to do that is more important than I can comprehend. And there will be a way that my path will do away with those who get in the way of it. I have to follow it as painstaking as it may be, as heart broken as i will feel and as strong and free as I am meant to become. I don’t need a man to hold me when I am dying, I can hold my fucking self.

I will always have love for him, but I need to let go for me.