Loving an abuser (memoir 1)

I left my abusive ex a few weeks ago, I’m really hurting tonight so I’m writing about what it feels like to be with him, and be abused by him. Because I’m finally getting some clarity in my life.

He’s spent all week telling you how sorry he is.

He’s cried, laughed and also let the madness slip, but he knows you’ll excuse it.

You tell him you’ll come see him, one more time, in the hopes he’ll give you one reason to hold on.

You are on the way, he is mad you left ten minutes later than you intended.

He already knows you’re coming, but you bluff and say you’re not hoping he’ll take back the anger he displayed on the phone.

He hangs up, a fear rises inside, you think about turning around on the highway. But, you’re used to this? He’ll get over it? Right? He wouldn’t be dumb enough to hit you again, he wants you to stay! He knows he fucked up last week right? What if he doesn’t? What if this is a plan to punish you again for trying to leave him..for trying to punish him?

He calls, anger, you hang up to try and prove you will no longer be treated in such a tone.

He calls again, anger, you succumb, you’re already scared and so hurt that you know a night before it happens you will be leaving broke hearted, but you choose hope, and follow your heart back to your man.

He finally calms down after you say you’re sorry for leaving late. He asks if you will be stopping at the cigarette and gas mart, you say maybe.

You pull in, there he is, sunglasses…hair slicked back, dressed nicely with a black backpack and cigarette hanging off the side of his mouth. He walks up expressionless and pulls on the drivers side door. You release an especially deep breath and try to look as expressionless as he does. You forget he sees right through you. You get out and run to the passenger side as he kicks your stuff out of his way and moves everything of yours to put his own. He takes your phone before you even sit back down and you panic. You don’t want him to catch your conversations, any . You told your friend about him again, because you were desperate to leave, and now here you are back again and he’s going to hurt you if he sees it. You suggest a song quickly and grab your phone from him, he doesn’t fight it… it’s a good day.

You play his songs for him, you know how he gets if you don’t. He asks if you want to stop at the store to buy coconut water for the ride, you say yes because that is the only acceptable answer in your database. He begins talking about things you know nothing truly about, things he only relays bits of information to because they involve him. His life outside of you differs tremendously from what you truly know. He will never allow you to be close with his people because his people are his possessions and he does not share. Now he used your card to buy his drinks, obviously you said yes to wanting them, so why would he pay for them? You were too intimidated to say no. Now he asks why you don’t have any money left, what the hell did you do with YOUR money? Why are you such a scumbag to spend it all and not save any for your trip with him, you will obviously amount to nothing. Or you are lying so he cannot spend any of it, rather maybe him pay for something aside 10 dollars in gas for a 60 minute trip.. you are already emotionally broken. You lash out at him, heart in two within ten minutes, you regret coming.

You threaten to leave him on the side of the road, he starts whimpering saying he loves you, why are you doing this to him, sometimes he even cries. You huff and puff and eventually give in. As soon as you let him in he starts yelling, he smacks the side of your face with the back of his hand and you start tp hyperventilate, it’s a dream you tell yourself. No man would break you like this. He loves you he just needs help? He didn’t mean it. Death? Can I die here? What if I die here? Cut me open? You cry, you disassociate. He’s yelling at you to stop, he’s pulling you by your hair while you cover your ears and listen to your own cries 50 miles away in your own mind begging for a wall. Get him away god, please, yet you want him to stay. You desperately want him to just stop, and hold you, and simply never ever do it again. You want him to understand you, be the man that holds you when your mad and eases all your pain long enough for it to dissapate. He is not that man, he hates you, he only wants to own you, but you can’t be smart enough to listen to your mind.

It’s eight hours later, you find yourself so defeated. In his bed. Just happy he’s asleep. He’s so beautiful when he sleeps. He’s at peace when he sleeps. He looks like the man you fell in love with when he sleeps. You sometimes just hold his hand and watch him breathe, in and out… you try to understand the pain he feels, what controls him, what ails him? You feel sympathy and begin to forgive the bruises on your body, for they will go away and tomorrow is a new day, another chance for him to heal your pain he caused? A chance for him to protect you from him. You cry in silence, counting the tiles on the ceiling. Envisioning the wedding you’ll never have and the life you threw away for him. There’s a chance he’ll change you think. Then you remember, even if he does, and that does become your big beautiful wedding full of real, honest love, will you ever truly be able to forgive him? Can you ever trust a monster in a mask. So tired. So hurt, so lost, you fall asleep with him holding you so tight, like at any moment he would squeeze you hard enough to kill you and that’s almost what you want.