History Repeating

I don’t know why I am so emotional about this. My coworker is leaving and I developed a really bad crush out of no where, like he got a spell book and put one on me. Ironically I told him a little over a year ago I’d never sleep with him. But he has been my happiness in the dark. Back 5 years ago I was IN LOVE with Thomas S. I left work, and we started dating, but he used me for drugs at the time. It still hurts to see how much I loved that man. He was 32 and I was 19. Now he’s like 37 or so.  So now this new guy,  I don’t really like my job and he’s been a reason to go. I cried when I found out he was leaving. I don’t know how to tell him I have feelings for him. He already knows, his friend told him and I visited his friend last night. UHG. I just like him okay, everything he is, is perfectly beautiful and he’s leaving me here to wonder who I want when I know already. But I’m screwed up in the head, having dreams of my ex drowning me in a bath tub every night. Maybe it’s this fairy tale I fabricated when Pat was hurting me… and he was the “knight” in shining armor that was supposed to save me. But he doesn’t like me like that, he flirts with me here and there and at work, but when we actually talk online he’s very short with me and then I get upset. SO emotional. I know I’m really missing my sister, mad about my ex, and wishing I wasn’t so alone. I feel extremely alone. The only thing giving me hope was the coworker and he’s gone. I already miss him. I have to get up early. I wish I could just say it but I’m too sensitive to take rejection. I don’t need another reason to cry for another two weeks. It sounds so stupid because maybe it’s only because he doesn’t like me like that, that I like him? Screw my brain.