Greif

It’s funny because I’m pretty much going through the grieving process from the relationship I’ve been involved in. He’s not dead, but he might as well be considering the person he came off to be years ago was never really him. I don’t know what chemicals made me believe I was in love for so long. If I think about the good times too much I get the tears again for the rest of the night.  I’ve been through the different emotions. Denial that we were failing miserably, that he didn’t love me, that it wasn’t okay for him be an abusive person towards me. I believed him because that person one day couldn’t destroy the rest to come, but it did. Next comes anger, but i recently went through that one. I’ve been very, angry. Too the point of shouting on the roof tops go fuck yourself. Mad that I wasted time and loved this man so thoroughly, that i made changes for him to be happy and he only got madder everyday. That he laid with me at night while we stared at the ceiling and promised me he would save me from all the pain he had yet to know about. That’s one of the things that get me so deeply, he spent so long promising me everything to stay and I really believed him. I was so fucking in love with his weirdness, the odd music, the thinking patterns and everything inbetween. No i get mad, i hear his music and i get mad, he turns the tv on and i get mad, sometimes i get mad if he tries to tell me he loves me because it’s not possible. Bargaining….  I’ve been bargaining with God often.  “Just fix us because I cannot give myself over again.” “I will be a good girlfriend just give me his good side.” “Please save us, please.” I’ve even bargained with him countless times, “I will do whatever you want, just don’t scream at me anymore.” “Please, just love me right, please just stop.” I’ve cried in bed, in bathrooms on my knees praying to the lord to change something. Great.

Depression, I’m assuming that is my current stage and I’m getting better, i move between anger and depression lately. I stopped bargaining with him or god. I know I’m not getting what I want. Now all that’s left is to accept my abusive relationship of years is over. This is so hard, something is refusing to let me move on.