Day of Birth

I know pretty much everything I write has to do with Tyler so I am going to try to incorporate other things.

Today I got my rental, it’s a nissan rogue and I wish I could get it, but I know I don’t need it right now and I’ll be happy with whatever I get.

Then when cleaning the car I got scared I touched antifreeze and decided I would have anxiety about the fact that I’m pregnant and it takes up to 12 hours to metabolize in your liver to your kidneys, but I’m fine.

Anyways, I went with Jenn and that was interesting. She got along with the guy there very well.

I am also, 25 weeks pregnant, and I randomly just got a little sick to stomach looking at how big my stomach is getting and feeling him move. Most the time I feel okay, like I’m still okay looking, my body will bounce back, but for some reason I feel kindof disgusting in a sense, because I let myself get pregnant knowing it would probably be this way. I’m not sure why I just got emotional while writing, maybe Tyler’s sad, he just turned 30 and he’s in jail. Maybe he wishes he was home, maybe I wish he was home, I’m not sure. I have a general feeling of not being wanted or something, I keep looking for things that may not be there.

Through sickness and health. Testing the limits of abandonment that we just simply will not leave ever. I miss him, but I’m not what he needs right now. He needs to follow his path.

Then I ask myself these stupid questions. If he wore a wig and decided he wanted to look like a girl would I still accept him, and I know that’s insanity to think of, but I mean boundless love that’s beyond the physical, that no matter what he wants or who he wants to be, would I love him? I believe I would.

Another thing is the question, is he only with me so I can save him? Because he thinks I can. I caught myself getting a little to jealous over this girl he was buying shit off of. Why am I even jealous. Maybe I’m just trying to get some sort of truth out of him that I know isn’t a lie, or idk… I just know even him saying he “thought” about sleeping with her because she is attractive felt like a hit. I have no right to be mad. Then, like I saw one of my posts I wrote earlier, and I thought wow, I am pregnant, with his c h i l d, and I wasn’t enough, this baby wasn’t enough, faye wasn’t enough, his life isn’t enough, and here I am feeling like he would do anything to abandon me because I am pregnant like he did sandy, and that hurts my own complex because I always wanted to feel like our relationship was real, and theres only room for one real relationship. I consider him, like my only true actual love and one day I may not. But, love is an evolution as the definition grows and our hearts fine different ways to love different people. I just know I wanted to be different, I wanted to be it. That’s why I was scared to let him into my life years ago, because I was deathly afraid of feeling anything good. Anything normal. I knew I’d fall apart when he pretended to be invested and I took the bate. When the cesspool of words he has spoken towards me all built me up to break me down. All the things I wanted to hear even when I pretended I didn’t. So this is where the trust comes in. If I can’t trust that he won’t run away, run to someone or something else, everytime I need him more than I know to need anything, even if it’s for five minutes when shit get’s real, then how can he be my person. If I have to face the pain and grow everytime he escapes reality, then how to we fill the gap and it gets wider? Suddenly the good moments I’m watching on my phone from all our trips hit hard and I want to fall asleep just so I can dream I am there again. That whole year summed together into the moment we laid on a hammock drunk as fuck just happy we found someone who gave a fuck, and nothing else could ever matter more than that moment to us. How did I know years later I wouldn’t see that person again for months and months… I may see him for brief moments of clarity that he quickly passed through.  He stopped existing besides in my mind, and all that existed to him became drugs. So if that’s about all he know’s… what did I see? Who did I fall in love with. Either way, it’s what it is and maybe I’m just a stepping stone. Maybe he will become one of those mass heart breaks that I will never get full closure from, or maybe he will become an amazing part of my future. We decide that. But I can’t watch him run anymore. I’d rather him do anything else. I’d rather him scream and yell at me, or cry, or scream, or be depressed, or hate, just don’t fucking run anymore. Don’t tell me that I meant so little. Don’t tell me that I risked everything I loved almost as much as you for someone who left me at the bottom of his list. Because my ego and brain will not process that. I will be fine much later and I will move on, but the gap between us and where we are in life is much smaller than the gap he’s been leaving me to drown in. I may never heal that properly unless I choose too, and I may never want to. Then I have to admit he was just another obstacle I conquered and got through, and he will never be that meaningless to me. He means enough to hold the power I give him to turn all my strength against me, but yet he thinks he’s so weak. His ability to hurt me is my own choice. Happy birthday Tyler, you are what I love.

Rant over. I’ve finished two of my courses thankfully and now I am going to go to bed. I actually had a really good day today and I want to have a good day tomorrow so I will.