What makes you happy

To be completely honest with my self I don’t know what makes me happy.

I am a 22 year old who just graduated college this August and I am officially ready to move on to my next Journey.

The problem is I don’t know what makes me. I have a lot of self doubt and confusion within my self that might lead to anger and frustration.

I wake up everyday at 11pm with my mom yelling at me, calling me lazy and unmotivated. She always reminds me how I’m not doing anything with my life since I graduated in August and how much it annoys and hurts her the fact that I seem to have no passions and lay in bed on my phone the whole day in a messy room. Which is partially true. I spent a lot of hours on my phone just doing useless online stuff such as social media since it helps me escape my inner discomfort of constant post grad life confusion since I was younger.

I studied financial economics in college and I can say I did not enjoy the major at all. I did not have the complete freedom to choose what I wanted to study since my parents were restricting me with what majors are acceptable to study and what not. I can also say that I studied economics for superficial reasons. I thought working at a big corporate for the rest of my life and making money in a big city would have been cool and that’s when I would finally be happy.

The problem is today at 10/25/2021 at the age of 22 I still don’t know what makes me happy. But I cannot say I am a sad person either. I do not cry or have a negative out look about life. I am just very neutral at the moment and life feels dulls. I don’t get very excited about anything specifically but not sad either. Even when I was studying economics at school which I did not enjoy very much the motivation of doing good in school for myself  was there. I get in fights with my mom about this everyday which are very pressuring giving me anxiety since she yells very loudly. I partially understand where she is coming from I just don’t know what I want to do in life and who I want to become. She always mentions other people and how well and passionate they are about what they are doing making me feel bad, reminding me how I don’t reach up to that at the moment. I planned a 3 month trip to Japan on November to February and she yells at me how I better improve my Japanese while I’m there since I am half Japanese and how she will test me when I’m back. She also strongly instructs and claims how I should self study Japanese since new job opportunities can open up to me. To be honest for some reason I do believe I lack motivation and drive to do that. I am confused. But I am not sad. I just don’t know what makes me happy. I want to find myself. I don’t know how and where to start. I can’t wait to start this journey by sharing this diary with my progress of self discovery.

Sincerely,