Vent.

So today I’m a fat anorexic (I ate more food than I usually would). I hate being fat and still being the A word. Doesn’t seem right.

I realise this diary is triggering for many. So don’t read on if you find yourself potentially triggered.

I feel like complaining today. So here is a list of all the things I want to share grievances over. And it is my diary, right? So am I allowed. I will anyway.

My entire wardrobe doesn’t fit me, and is too big. This is inanely annoying. Pants that keep falling off are not a good look especially at school. I have to go out and buy a whole heap of new clothes. I went to the second hand store and bought a bag for $5. Was pretty cool. Then went to some real stores and got 3-4 articles of NEW clothes for reasonable prices. Almost nothing looks good on me. I have to try so hard to find sytlish combinations. It’s tiring.

I am having monthly hormones. Sore breasts, and being moody is not an extra thing I need right now. Not to mention, at this weight, it is rediculous to still be getting my period.  I felt it reasonable to complain that at least at this weight I shouldn’t have to worry about *that* anymore. Unfortunately Damien didn’t understand and took it to mean that I was choosing and maintaining an eating disorder for the very purpose of losing my period (insert frustrated angry words from him AT ME). How rediculous. I was only hoping the loss of my period to be a bonus. So now I feel crappy as well as misunderstood.

Season changing is playing with my head. It always does. I feel dissociated a lot, and not sure where i am. Flashbacks and general feeling lost.

Constant chest pain, – worse at night – that hasn’t been explained really by my ECG or blood test. Granted I haven’t got the blood test results back (despite multiple attempts of calling and visiting the doctor’s surgery where they told me they can’t release them until I’ve seen the doctor, and "no, you can’t see the doctor at an earlier appt"). So my appointment to get my blood test results is tomorrow at 3.30pm.

I would like to know if all this chest pain, and constant discomfort is in my head, or not. Of course you can assume that if the results were disturbing, they would have called me by now.

However, I also found it disturbing that the GP I saw today (a random one, in desperation just to talk to SOMEONE), couldn’t manage to read my file (I had been to this clinic once before) to see the "A" word (anorexia) written on my file, so that he could make sense of my straight off comments which began as "I had an ECG, and I’ve been getting chest pain, and do you know if all hospitals do naso-gastric feeding or only some…."…he just kind of looked at me and said, "for what…why….?".

Fine, dumbass make me say the word *anorexia* AGAIN. I hate fucking saying it. Maybe I should just say eating disorder (hard enough) and let them do the math. Anyway, after doing another ECG on me which he I(impolitely) said afterward he ONLY did because I said my one the other day had ST-T depression concern.. (and what, this one didn’t show that)….

.by which he meant "Ah, there’s nothing wrong with this ECG so you can go on your merry way)…

Anyway, the ECG he did today  had written on the print out ANTEROSEPTAL MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION (probably old), and SINUS BRADYCARDIA"…(I looked at it when he was out of the room)…yet he tells me my ECG is perfectly fine. Well that’s nice but I am wondering why I’m still having constant chest pain from about 4pm onwards every evening, with general ongoing discomfort in the mornings.

So now I’ve had 2 ECGs. The first one said I had some ST-T depression (irregularity) although nothing major. I also found it funny that they told me at that appt, that my ECG is fine but would probably need to have it repeated in 2 years to see if there are any changes. LMAO LOL. Did I mention I’m suffering from <insert eating disorder word here>. Could be dead in 2 years (not planning on it, but I mean, come on, statistically.)

Anyway, the second ECG  said I had an anteroseptal myocardial infarction (damage somewhere I think) and sinus bradycardia (heart rate slower, <60).  I have looked these up (shame on me for using google) and found that they all potentially link in to eachother, and can be caused by electrolyte imbalances (hence my desire to know my blood test result). I found it stupid that the doctor today said to me, "I don’t see why a blood test would be useful given current ECG readings". Yeah thanks very much. Get a CLUE about eating disorders and then come back to me buddy.

Did I mention I’m having constant chest pain? That I don’t eat anything other than a rice cake or two, half a carrot, a few pieces of chocolate and chicken noodle soup? That my weight is still dropping? When he asked me if I’m eating he said, "Oh good you’re still eating something. Well I suggest you just see your psychiatrist."

Thanks very much.

[[At least I had the good sense to read the ECG printout while you were out of the room so that at least ONE OF US is enlightened.]]

I’m not doing so well. The chest pain is getting very annoying. And I can no longer sleep without taking 2 (yes TWO) sleeping tablets EVERY night. Last night I tried, but it was 2 hours of laying there jittery, getting nowhere. Before I got up and gave in.

I’m almost ready.

I just want  this to be over. I can’t control any of it. People think I can, but I can’t. I’m too deep into it. I’m too lost. I just want to feel okay again so I can teach. But I don’t want to eat. Just give me naso, I don’t fucking care. Wish we could organise home naso kit. Lol. I’m not kidding.

I need to be able to talk to someone about all this stuff at least twice a week. I need to organise appointments. I wish I had a counsellor. I wish I wasn’t burdening or triggering people here and in my life. I just need to talk to someone, because being misunderstood even by well-meaning people, and having to constantly try to explain what it’s like and why I can’t do or manage something is exhausting.

I am not seeing my dietician this week because I have a special thing on at the school to attend. An assembly where the kids sing – we’ve been practicing.

I don’t know where to turn anymore. I’ve been almost everywhere, and sought out and researched and found doctors without giving up. Now I just wish I could be in the care of someone who knows what they’re doing and could actually help me.

And don’t you dare note that I have to *want* help. I DO want help. But just because that desire may look slow or weak, doesn’t mean it’s not there.