Too busy to think straight* *Monday update

I love art. I love teaching. Tomorrow we do optical art. I have been preparing ALL day.

I am so busy. I only slept 5 hours last night. And had horrid dreams. We were on a cruise ship and it sunk.

I don’t have time to remember to make the effort to eat.

Not to mention of course, the desire not to eat.

It’s coffee, and chicken noodle soup, and a rice cracker here and there. Diet soda. a couple of chocolate peanuts.

I saw another general practice doctor yesterday. Apparently I don’t qualify for the psychologist clinic because they only accept people’s whose major problem is anxiety/stress or depression. Since these symptoms are well managed for me at the moment, and my main problem is anorexia, I don’t qualify. He recommended a university clinic. Sigh, why bother. 6 visits is the limit with that option.

I am hoping the dietician will take the place of any need for a psychologist anyway. He’s pretty good.

Damien has been a lazy butt today. Hasn’t helped matters.

My BMI is approaching the 15s.

Actually one more kilogram and it’s there.

I don’t know how to stop this.

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Monday is over. I had a good day at school teaching….4 lessons of music (singing) some support reading, and then the last period of art – tessellations/kaleidascope/optical art. Most kids got their template finished and we will piece them together and add colour next lesson.

So I am home. Feeling empty.

Somehow I’ve had a mini-binge. Chocolate peanuts (more than I normally eat – probably close to a whole packet), and some corn chips with grated cheese. Not a lot but a small bowl.

I feel like my world is falling apart.

Things with Damien are a little strained at the moment, we had a bit of a family fall out yesterday, nothing really major. Just tired grumpy family members I think.

But he’s not coming home till 9.30 tonight because he’s got something going on at work, and, me,  having a mostly full stomach, I feel like I have no-where to turn while the panic sets in.

What will tomorrow hold? I want to not face the day. And there will be NO eating. Fuck you Elizabeth.

I know I can’t do this much longer. These episodes of eating HAVE to be few and far between otherwise my stress and depression will skyrocket.

The only way to keep things calm is to not eat.

I hate myself SO much when I eat.

I can’t stand to do this anytime soon, again.

I’m a fat anorexic. I’ve just eaten. How disgusting. 

I will repent for this.

I wish I could talk to someone right now. I really need to talk to someone.