To breathe

So after 3 weeks of being on Prozac, my mood has finally lifted. I cannot describe the qualitiative difference. It did happen to coincide with my deciding to take my vitamins again. The hospital discharged me with about 6 bottles of vitamins and minerals and since then I haven’t taken them. I thought perhaps maybe that was contributing to my utter feeling like shit besides not eating, that is.

So maybe it was the vitamins, or maybe it was the anti-depressant kicking in. I don’t know. I do know that it’s possible now for me to breathe without it hurting my soul (and it’s true, each breath did actually hurt), and I was basically just floating, going to bed every night early, and not wanting to wake up in the morning. After showering (if I could be bothered (and generally I could because I needed the hot water to warm me up – I’m always cold now), I would sit in the sun and drink coke zero. It was the only way not to be so cold all day. It’s winter here, but temperatures usually reach low 20s (celsius, or about 75-80F) each day. But mornings reach freezing point before warming up around 10am.

I wasn’t able to write much on here either, being too depressed to have any energy. So the fact that I’m writing now, must be testimony to something being better. I’m still getting minor panic attacks, and feeling dread and despair at least a few hours everyday. But I can mostly accomplish something through the day now. I had my first day at work on Monday (no students though, because was a student-free day after the winter vacation) and I met the 5 other staff at the school (that includes admin). I really like the principal, – very down to earth and easy to talk to. The school is a little country school only about 70 kids. I did preparation work and photocopying, checked out the rooms and resources etc. I also negotiated working a few less days than they wanted too (not my Monday art day – that is permanent, but the other contract of part-time work for 3 weeks). Two of those weeks would have seen me effectively working 4 full days in the week, and I simply think it would have been too much for me. I told him I have health issues, and he was quite good about it. So I won’t be working Tuesdays for those 3 weeks, which makes me a lot more relieved.

More tears and arguments relationship wise, but we will have some counselling finally tomrrow night. We’ve both decided not to give up just yet. My parents are keen for me to leave and move on, but I don’t know if that is indeed the right thing.

Sofie arrived home last night from 10 days inter-state with her Mum. It’s so nice to have her back. The house is fuller and more alive now. She makes me feel productive and adds lightness to most situations. Thankgod her mood is much brighter these days.

I love my dogs.

I desperately need to paint.

I have done a hell of a lot of preparatory work for teaching (I’m teaching contemporary music appreciation / singing with a healthy dose of societal understanding of what influences music etc, – we will particularly be looking at genres and every lesson will have songs to sing (some are Top 40 and rock). The principal was keen for me to bring a current day relevance to the lessons and said the kids really want to sing (they want to do a pop Idol contest thing). He said that would be a possibility at the end of the term if I wanted to organise it.

As for visual arts, I am still in the thick of designing my unit of lessons. We are going to look at art history, famous artists, art period/styles …as a background for each hands-on class. Unfortunately we won’t be doing sculpting or digital art, nor printmaking, drawing or design, as we will mostly be focusing on painting techniques. The artists I’ve chose to talk about are Evard Munch, Claude Monet, Pablo Picasso, Henri Rousseau, Vincent Van Gogh, M. C Escher, Salvador Dali (not his sexual work, obviously), and Andy Warhol. We will look at Impressionism, Expressionism, Cubism, Optical Art, Pop Art, and Surrealism.

I have 10 lessons in the school term (1 lesson per week). This is with the upper school (year 6,7 composite) So I have to space everything out over that time. I will also have 2 lessons each with the middle school and junior school where they want me to teach art also. Obviously here, my approach will be more random and less developmental, as I only have 2 lessons. I did design a unit of work for early childhood when I was at university. I will have to dig it out. I remember getting honours for it because it was so stimulating and engaging.

I also have 30 minutes per week with the 6th and 7th graders for Drama. But I doubt we will get much done. I am still deciding whether or not to abandon that and use the extra time for visual arts. As I think only 1 hour for visual arts is not going to be enough. Hmm, I doubt even 1.5 hours will be enough. It’s a shame, because I had some good ideas for drama (despite my really never having learned a thing about it).

My eating is still pretty bad. Hasn’t really changed. I sort of ate a meal yesterday because I was feeling more happy, but afterwards felt horrible for it, so today is back to ground zero. Denial of sustenance. Could anyone please tell me why I also am scared of feeling brighter (mood-wise) and have decided to stop taking my vitamins again (in the hope I’ll feel depressed again?) I don’t know. I’ll still take my anti-depressant, as I don’t think that is worth fucking with, but I can sure as hell deny myself vitamins and minerals I don’t deserve them anyway, do I?

Feeling better  is leading me to get scared (despite me asking the heavens for it to happen – see previous worded entry),…and worry that it might lead me to eat better or maybe embrace life when infact I think it’s still not for me. I don’t know. These are just surmisings.

I never seem content. That indeed is the problem.

I think I have social phobia. I mentioned this to Damien yesterday and he replied, "You’re only just working that out, now?". I dunno, I seem to interact okay with people (besides not looking them in the eye) but it’s the mere thought of leaving the house /driving to the city/ having to make a phonecall to an office/surgery/governement agency/hairdresser that freaks me out.

Okay, back to lesson planning. And ignoring my lightheadedness.