To be an Adult…

This has been sitting at the bottom of my drawer for a while now. But I kept it because it is wisdom you don’t often come across.

So for my New Years Resolution I hereby declare to try and establish myself as a self-respecting adult.

Here is the recipe (part 1-8 or 16) –

extract from  "An Intelligent Life: A practical guide to relationships, intimacy and self-esteem". by Dr Julian Short

1. If you want to feel like a self-respecting adult, you need to behave as one. If you want to feel good, you must act well, especially when things are going wrong.

2. If you feel bad but there’s nothing more you can do to fix the problem, remember that the best you can do in adversity is to behave with kindness and dignity. Then, at least, you will be a self-respecting adult who also happens to feel bad.

3. Carry yourself as if you believe you are worthwhile and equal, but never act as if you think you are better than other people. Your bodily and verbal language must not signal certainly that you are right, but simply certainty that you are good enough to be wrong. This means acting as if you will not die if you were rejected, or if someone proves you wrong, but not behaving so arrogantly as to pretend you wouldn’t care. Beware of -"Well that’s your problem!" – a popular but vulnerable refuge.

4. You should say what you would like to happen and act as if you believe your wishes are probably acceptable. If you are in emotional pain, you pain should either be invisible or clearly spelt out with words. Remember, don’t signal it, say it.

5. It’s okay to say: "I’m feeling really threatened. Plese give me some idea what to do." By contrast, fishing for reassurance in various ways is undignified and won’t make you feel any better. "I know you’ll think I"m stupid"; "I’m usually much better than this."etc.

6. Respect other people’s rights before your own wishes, but don’t put their wishes before your rights.

7. You probably don’t believe you can read minds, so don’t act as if you can. All you can do is interpret others’ feelings in the light of your own, so you are sure to get it wrong sometimes. You will never be able to fully trust your interpretation of other people’s agendas, especially as it’s hard enough to know your own.

8. If you don’t please someone, if doesn’t inevitably mean you are hurting them. If you use not hurting people as a life plan you’ll do well, but if you equate not pleasing someone with hurting them and then use this as a reason to not assert yourself, you are in danger of feeling powerless and resentful, as well a being seen as weak.

Parts 9-16 to come.