The pain of broken families

I think I’m going to need to enlist some professional help and advice about how to handle Sofie when she returns. She is ready for an all out war, and utter rebellion, and I know I am not going to fare well. I am not made of steel, and having a child fire onslaught after onslaught of hurtful and derogatory comments at me, fuelled by her mother’s opinions (which have become now, firmly infused into Sofie’s mind), is taking it’s toll.

I dread her return. I know I need to stay strong, and uphold my beliefs. It was wrong to lead her to believe that she had a choice in this matter of moving, because she’s not silly, she’s an intelligent girl, and now she is saying, "you told me I had a choice – or made me feel like I had a choice – but I really don’t, do I? You have already decided". Of course, I never wanted her to think she had equal decison in this, – she never could NOR SHOULD – she is a child, and must respect the decisions of her parents. Adults do what they think is best, and a child can’t be expected to understand adult decisions, or even know what is best for themselves. She needs to be unburdended of the belief that HUGE life decisons for her care are up to her. She needs to have the security to know that she can rest knowing those decisions are not for her to make and that adults she trusts, will make them for her.

Tonight she was particularly hurtful on messenger, but often using words that sounded too adult-like and more like her mother’s than her own. She was refusing to move saying, "NO means NO", and if we REALLY cared about her we would do whatever it takes to make her happy (including not moving). Unfortunately I am finding myself caught in the ugliness of a child who is a victim of divorce, who has an immature mother breeding lies in her about her father and myself now that she is away from us.

She has never told me she doesn’t like me. And never told me I am bossy. But now for the first time she is saying these things, together with other strange comments that are above her understanding. She told me that when her father told her she "MAYBE can stay at the same school and not change (which is not something I would have said)" , it was a something that "you were both in on it – it wasn’t just Dad saying it". She hasn’t used that term before, and I half expect her mother was sitting with her while she was typing. Not to mention comments like, "Dad you’ve changed from a nice 31 yr-old man into a horrible mean old man". How about this comment, "Oh and by the way Elizabeth, you need to gain weight if you want to have a kid." She may be a smart kid, but even she wouldn’t know about connections like that.

I am very vary about making promises to children. Or misleading them. Later, after Damien had told her that maybe she could stay at the same school (which is unlikely, and unwise in my opinion as it would negate the benefits of moving and send her a message that she can pick and choose what she wants), she told me she was "so happy now" and excited, and sooo glad. I reminded her it was only a maybe and not a definitely, and she replied "oh great, you get my hopes up and then crush them into a million pieces. You’re so unfair". This is EXACTLY the reason I don’t like to mislead children and I prefer to be honest, gentle, but honest, and realistic in what they need to expect, respect and prepare for. LIfe is full of change and uncertainties, but we need to trust in the loved ones we have around us, to support us, and to do the best they can for us, and we need to accept that all things have good things and bad things. I fully expect her to have been upset over this, and sad, and rebellious at first. But in time she needs to respect the decision and join with us to help eachother. If she doesn’t, it is something we need to teach her, as she is lacking those skills from having her head messed with by having a broken family. And never being taught to trust, or having it undone as she lived between 2 parents. I have only entered this picture 10 months ago. And there are still many pieces to be picked up. I have healed some of them and she has made remarkable improvements in the time that I’ve been here. I can only see this as a good thing (I never imagined it could be due to me, even though she has wanted and liked me since the beginning) but many others have told me it is due, a lot, to my presence.  I will now need to work extra hard to restore her faith and respect of me, as she has had it all unravelled in her time with her mother (who has openly stated, unreservedly in e-mails to Damien) that she "hates me, will never believe I care about Sofie, and that I treat Sofie in a disgusting derogatory manner – like a preschooler or psychological experiment). I don’t know how I can defend this, as everyone tells me nothing I say will matter, I am am the OTHER woman who has custody of her child, and will therefore always be hated. Sigh. I am, unfortunately, not as resilient as I need to be because when someone accuses me of not caring about or wanting the best for a child (especially a child I work my butt off day after day to do EVERYTHING for, with my heart and soul), it hurts. Because it cuts to my soul. The very heart of my philosophy about children. But I must be strong.

She returns in one week. And then, exactly one week after that we have planned to move. For the first week she is home and we are still here, I will need to drive her to the new school on the complete other side of town. Of course, when we move, she can walk to school. It is so close. I am imagining I might not survive the morning drive to school that first week when she is home, and may indeed need to sit her in the back seat, lest she KILL me. Well, maybe not kill, but you have no idea.

Yes, professional help. I need to look up the phone book now. I am truly at a loss to know how bad this might be. She has hidden before.  Not exactly run away, but hidden nearby. She has also locked herself in rooms and repeatedly banged her head on the wall. She has the capacity to be mute for an hour or more, while sitting in the same spot, in a room with other people. I imagine she could refuse meals. She will yell. Be unco-operative. I’m expecting her to refuse school. To refuse anything and everything. Perhaps Damien might need to take time off work. Perhaps HE needs to drive her to school, I don’t know. There will be major tantrums. She will refuse to clean her teeth (a big one), she will refuse a shower. Basically she will refuse anything you ask unless SHE wants to do it.

We have said we will still be happy to take her to visit and have sleepovers with her old friends. We have also said she can stay at the same karate school as long as she enrolls in a new local one too, so we can ease the transition. She will still have messenger with her friends. She is a likable kid who makes friends easy. But she is as moody as all hell. So far, luckily, it hasn’t impacted on her ability to make friends. In fact, she’s better now than she used to be (apparently) at making friends.

I’m not at all saying that she shouldn’t be upset or need some adjustment time for this. What I am saying is it’s unreasonable and inappropriate for her behaviour to be unmanageable for 1-2 months. If it looks likely this is going to happen then I want to seek help. S

he is old enough and mature enough to BEGIN to deal with this in an appropriate manner sometime soon. I don’t think it’s right to allow her to treat us like shit. I understand the concept that children can NEVER be blamed or held as being "wrong" or "their fault" because they are ONLY children and only know how to act as well as they’ve been taught. But where do you draw the line? Does that mean you allow them to be rude and inappropriate and to exhibit outrageous behaviour repeatedly? I think it’s appropriate for us to be firm in disallowing that behaviour. We expect unhappiness and sadness, but we ALSO expect her to begin to make some effort. Or is that unreasonable?

I am living in fear of her at the moment, and that is not good. I just know that I will be the one (and NO-ONE else) who will have to bear the brunt and full extent of her wrath. Damien will be at work, and I will be taking her to school (maybe even staying and seeing her at school) and picking her up afterwards. I will be with her, alone in the evening till Damien comes home from work. There will be basic chores to be done, possibly homework, and obligatory interaction between us. And I will be the one having to deal with ALL OF IT.

I pray for strength.