Please no.

I need hugs (strangely).

I am crying.

Everything is upsetting me.

I saw the psychiatrist today. And broke down with how scared I am to eat.

I don’t want to eat.

I can’t believe I have to face this.

I see another (different) general practice family doctor tomorrow. Still trying to find one that I can develop a rapport with, isn’t clueless, and gives a damn.

I see the dietician tomorrow too.

I don’t want to eat.

Please don’t make me eat.

Please.

I’m begging.

I am happy with my 5 foods. As long as I don’t have to eat anything else. Because if I eat anything else everything falls apart. And the depression, pain, panic and hatred begins.

My psychiatrist looked at me today genuinely suprised and said, "your’re looking very thin. What’s happening with your weight….?"

He normally doesn’t mention weight AT ALL.

Sigh.

BMI of 15 is not low enough now.

It has to be in 14s, otherwise I don’t count. At least not to me. So that means 4 more kg.

Shouldn’t be hard.

I am lost in this.

I just don’t want to eat.

Please.

soliloquy girl

August 10, 2006

Food, water and shelter are the things that a human being needs for survival. You are killing yourself Elizabeth and the longer you let this go on, the harder it will become to eat. You HAVE to eat. It is a basic biological neccessity. I know you can do it. Keep fighting, keep trying. You are thin enough already. This has to stop. Please. ****HUGS****

To Read Others.

you have to elizabeth. i’m sorry, but you must beat this. xoxox *~

northern skies.

I haven’t written in a while, but apparently you have. What an amazing series of entries – the highs and lows of your ED. I was so happy when I read about your progress at work, with teaching and the kids. It’s your corner of the world where you can be you – free spirited, creative, inventive, and an inspiration. The only thing that worries me is your ED. I cannot imagine being at a BMI of 15,

let alone a 14. That is insanity talking. I don’t understand the eating disorder mentality. I don’t understand how you can look in the mirror and be repulsed by what you see. You should be looking at the mirror and a wave of nausea should hit you – you should be terrified that you are skin and bone, bone and skin! You should see yourself for what you really are – a person who is starving herself

to death. When will this end for you? Are you really willing to let it get to the point where you will wilt and die? Or will you bring yourself to the abyss, until someone (Damien or your parents) get you to a hospital to pump you full of nutrients! Do you want to be tube fed? Do you want to be one of those anorexic people that look like skeletons and still think they’re fat??? How could you?

I can’t believe you. I will think less of you if that is what you want. I swear I will want to wring your neck if you let yourself die! Do you even think about the harm you are doing to the people around you – your family, your friends, the students you teach! You are teaching your students and Sophie that it is right to starve yourself to death. That a person should not eat. That achieving a BMI

that gets progressively smaller and smaller is the only solution. That being sick is okay – in fact it is the norm. How could you do that to all of those impressionable kids? And your entry about your parents. I’m not surprised about their reaction – or the fact that they want to commit you to a hospital. They want you to get better. Can you blame them? Yes, they’re treating you like a kid.

But have you left them any choice? I would say you haven’t. They’ve watched you slowly deteriorate over the years and they’ve felt helpless. Obviously they feel enough is enough. They need to do something. To feel like they’re doing something. They want to wake you up. To make you realize you are seriously ill and they will not watch you die anymore. Can you blame them? What would you do if

Sophie started killing herself slowly? And I don’t mean she has to have anorexia. There are many ways to kill yourself. What if she slowly poisoned her body…and you know inevitably she will die. Would you let it happen? Would Damien? Even if she were an adult? Do you think that would be a normal thing for her to do? To want to poison herself to death? Or do you think there must be

mentally, psychologically, wrong with her for wanting to do that to herself? And would you then not interfere? Maybe get her hospitalized if you have been left with no other choice because she refuses to help herself. And yes, I know you are trying. You make the effort of going to a dietician, a pyschiatrist, a psychologist, a family doctor. But after all these years of seeking “professional”

help, I sometimes wonder if it is all a series of motions you do. Something you do unconsciously, knowing you’re not really going to help yourself or follow the advice given to you. But just so you can show everyone that you are trying. That you’re doing something. Well going through the motions is not enough. It’s not. I refuse to watch you die. I want you to get better. And if you can’t do

it on your own – then I do want someone to intervene. God knows you need it. You are so sick, you don’t even see it anymore. If you read over your entry, surely you should be able to see what we see: that you are an anorexic person and you need help! Your thoughts about food are messed up. I have nothing more to say. I’m out of words. Sorry for being harsh. Always here, LC.