Photos and some poetic words * EDIT

  I am feeling isolate. Detached. Lost…

I just got my hair cut. Much better now.

To look. To absorb, to glide through spaces and fill the room.

Awake in the moment, gorgeous and vibrant, but not knowing it.

Soft waves flow over.

Rippling. Drifting.

Sunlight, breeze, swirls of life surrounding.

Breathing shallow breaths, waiting, and wanting.

Alone. Disconnected. Alive, yet somehow not here.

Pale, sick. Palpitations. Tired, fighting, losing, and degenerating.

But moving through the day.

Finding a way.

And losing moments in time.

Valuing, appreciating, spinning.

Ageing.

 

At least I have my teachng. My kids. See all my junk in my teaching room.? Lol.

*********************************

*EDIT

I can’t stand feeling like this day in day out. Feeling so huge like I’m going to burst. Dealing with my feelings through food whether it’s eating or starvation. I HATE being fat. Or should I say FEELING fat. I think my stomach is fat no matter what. Have I mentioned HOW MUCH I HATE BEING FAT????  I  hate it. But I feel juvenile to complain about weight. ARen’t there more important things in the world. Sigh. But feeling like this is hell every day.

Damien is going away for a week. On business. Interstate. For work.

So Let the punishment begin. I have to get my BMI to 14, and I will find some validation in needing some kind of treatment somewhere. Becuase like this, all I’m doing is existing, blundering, being a fat lazy arse (who isn’t even exercising, but I’ going to change that this week), and I’m lying around being a lump of lard. There *will* be a way I cause some change in this cycle. Even if it means I get sicker first. Because I can’t stand existing like this, with no validation to my sufferance in this illness.

This has to lead somewhere. Change somewhere. Something has to happen.

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September 8, 2006

CUTE HAIR

September 8, 2006

*big hugz*

September 8, 2006

adorable haircut hun… xoxo *~

September 8, 2006

Your poetry is beautiful…as is your hair 🙂 oh i wish mine would be curly!

September 8, 2006

wow, you look so… “young” in the first pic. ((please don’t take that the wrong way; i’m not insinuating that you are old)). is that your natural colour? it almost looks as though you have blue highlights! your words are lovely. so fluid. don’t ever stop writing. i’m glad you have your teaching to bring some meaning into your life. but i worry about all that you’re not saying

September 9, 2006

thanx for your note!! i love the haircut … you look sooo tiny … and NOT 29 … you really look younger, i’d say 22, 25 tops!

September 10, 2006

hun, you know it will never be enough. you could have a bmi of negative six and you still wouldn’t feel validated. please stop punishing yourself for being human.

September 10, 2006

*shakes head*. no. i’m sorry. you’re just not fat. *~

September 27, 2006

“I can’t stand existing like this, with no validation to my sufferance in this illness.”<<Do I EVER know what you mean! I'm so sick of feeling this disgust with myself too. Even for all the times that I do allow myself to eat an actual meal or a piece of food…the self-loathing that follows afterwards just isn't worth it. And I'm still not content or satisfied with where I've gotten…