Mediocre Calm*

I want to say I’m still here.

Doing mediocrely. Ups and downs. Confusions. Nothing new really.

I have been comtemplating my life a lot more than I care to retell.

And I am now, almost 30. Why didn’t someone tell me life was this chaotic? I guess I expected something more managable. Not brilliant, just more managable, and enjoyable. When the desperately unpleasant outweighs the mere enjoyable and even more casts in a shadow the electrically captivating parts of this existence, you really wonder how any decent mortal chose to bring you here.

And my life has been blessed. I have nothing substantial to speak discontent  of. I have suffered so little compared to some. Perhaps that is the problem.

Intelligence is another problem.

I yearn only for clarity. And an ability to manage my existance. And yet it constantly eludes me.

Thank god I can cross hospital off my list. I never want to go back there. My freedom is a lot more desirable.

My yearning to abuse and control my body has not ceased. Yet, my yearning to just breathe with ease is even more pressing. The problem with food is valiantly strong. I never thought I’d get this deep. Years ago when I read words by people saying how it isn’t something to fuck with, I didn’t listen. I thought it was MY thing, and I could fuck with it in any way I wanted. I was the one doing it, so I could be the one to stop it. Now I know what they meant about be careful what you wish for. Playing with fire is never without consequences.

My state of the moment is calm. Peace. Denial. Neglect. Ignorance, and rest. It is time to be slow and disengaged. There will be more turbulence to come.