Luminous Mist…..

…… is what I’d like to paint

I can’t do this. I suck. Really. Everything has to be on my fucking terms, and my head continues to do whatever it pleases.

No supplement drinks today.

But bread and chocolate and a sort of binge.

I have no freaking idea what’s going on.

Could still be monthly hormones.

I decided to take my Prozac again, after lots of deliberation. But after 2 days now, and today’s experience with food I just can’t risk it again. So yup, it’s bye bye to it again (oh I’m so smart).

I was meant to have my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow (Dr. Kara wanted me to get in sooner to see him, and has been liasing with him and the hospitals), but I’ve CANCELLED because I think I’m doing better (heck I’m eating more, or less, sigh, I don’t know, overall probably more) and I got asked to work AGAIN tomorrow (I already have worked Monday and Tuesday this week). It’s only worth $35 monetarily for me (long story) but I do love the kids – year 6,7 and I get to do what I want with them. Which potentially means more art and educational games. Even music or singing.

But I dearly want a rest. I feel like I’ve lost myself.

The chest pain has stopped (for now).

And I think there’s only so long I can drink those freaking drinks for (yeah, but Elizabeth surely more than 2 days would be possible????). The drinks were comforting in a way. Just tiresome really.

I"m such a slack-ass.

Stubborn, whiny, girl.

I’m cancelling the Dietician, and the newly found Dr Kara, too, for a while. I mean, they’re wasting their time with me. I’m stubborn and not even sick. My stats are fine. And I hate disappointing them. Not making progress and having to show and report no progress is pathetic and I don’t like sitting in a pool of "stubborn-I’m-wasting-my-time-and-yours" when I’m in their offices.

I ate 8 corn crackers with cheese and peanut butter tonight. Wow. Don’t know where that came from but they tasted really good.

I wish tomorrow I could be depressed and full of self-loathing. I deserve it.

Instead I get to enjoy myself at school (even though I’m tired).

I don’t deserve to have fun at school.

I want punishment.

I just need time to myself to recouperate in the punishment stakes.

And I need time to rest.

I am exhausted.

I want blackness for a while.

Please.

northern skies.

August 29, 2006

oh hun, you don’t deserve any of this suffering. i wish there was some way i could make you see what i see in you… please don’t cancel those appointments. deep down i think we both know you really need them. ~worries~

I haven’t written in a while. I guess partly because you were upset by what I last wrote – considering the fact that I could never really understand what you’re going through, and often enough misunderstand everything you say and do. Well there’s no help there. My words will always be subjective. I can’t be objective or omnipotent. I am certainly not all-seeing and definately not all-powerful.

If I were, I would make you healthy again. Take away your pain, your anxiety, your need to control food/eating. I’d want to, but I can’t. You might think I’m too harsh, but I’ve been reading your diaries for how many years now? I’ve been supportive of all you’ve tried to do. But sitting back and watching you slowly deteriorate is not a pleasant task. And it frustrates the hell out of me to see.

I do want to say that after reading your entries, I am soooo proud of you for your accomplishments in teaching. It is surely high praise that the principal would want you to teach that 6/7 class. Obviously he (or was it she) is certain of your talent and therefore allows you to do what you like with them freely. When I was teaching, I remember worrying about the supply teacher not being able to

cope. So I always had detailed lesson plans of what to do with the students. It’s a sign of respect that you are given free reign. Your artistic talents must be amazing. You should be so proud of your accomplishment. It should motivate you to continue to seek help. Your students need you. They have so much to learn from you. You mentioned that some of them are noticing that you are very thin.

It was bound to happen – what did you expect? It just surprises me how in one entry you could admit that you have ED/anorexia, and in another you can want to drop your family doctor (that seems pretty good) and your psychiatrist simply because your test results came out “normal”. What the heck is normal anyway? Don’t make that decision based on a few test results. At best, they’re inconclusive.

My mother was sent to the hospital in march this year because she had a “minor” heart attack. Eventually she was released and told to follow up with her doctor. After many different tests, they all came out “normal”. No cause for the “heart attack” was found. Does it mean the tests were right and she was incorrectly admitted and diagnosed at the hospital? HELL NO!!! It just means the tests didn’t

find the problem at that particular moment in time. Heart attacks are caused by so many different factors. Doing a test to find out the cause can be so difficult. Imagine jumping into a haystack and being stabbed by a needle in the haystack. You get up, pick up a pile of hay and find no needle in it. Do you assume you were mistaken about getting poked by the needle/sharp ojbect? Or do you figure

that the haystack is so huge that your “sample” of it just wasn’t good enough to be conclusive. Anyway, do you get my point (forgive the pun)? Just because your results came out “normal” doesn’t mean you are. It’s a stupid reason to quit your doctor (who you’ve said has been hard to find a good one) – or your psychiatrist too! And I am wondering if part of your reason for quitting them is also

because your doctor mentioned that you might need intervention sooner rather than later. She seems to be coordinating everything…and maybe it crossed your mind that through her efforts, you might have to be admitted to the hospital. Which of course means you won’t be able to teach anymore, and it might mean you were forced again to eat (naso or not) and gain weight. Maybe you are avoiding this?

I don’t know the answer. But I certainly hope if your only reason for quitting is the test results, and a desire to not “waste time” if you’re “not really sick”… then you should certainly kick this reasoning from your mind. You’re wrong. You’re sick. You do need help. And it would be so wrong to quit it, after all the effort you made to find good professionals to help you. If you believe in

the professionals you’ve chosen (and you’ve screened so many that you should), than you must trust their judgement of you based on their knowledge, experience, and their understanding of you. Give them the chance to help you. You have so much to live for. So many reasons to get better. A rock who loves you. Sophie who does too and your relationship is something to be admired! Your students.

Your parents who love you. And most importantly, for yourself. For your own sake and happiness. For your health, which it sounds like it is degernerating. Get help. Accept that you are ill, once and for all. Accept the help/advice you are given. Do what is necessary to prevent your body from shutting down (which it is starting to do). Always here, LC.