Hospital propositions

I know everyone is tired of me only talking about ED stuff, and only complaining. But this is my only outlet to talk about this stuff (besides my psychiatrist), and yeah, I can be my most honest here, and say how I really feel.

With the happy side of things (teaching, Sofie, dogs, vegetable patch etc) I can have an outlet by talking to Damien and my parents…..but with the ED, I get limited outlet. Which is why I write here.

Sorry you only get a one sided view of my life. But there are brief times I do write about the other parts of my life. Usually when I’m happier.

So if I’m only talking about the ED then that shows how much it’s dominating my life. Simply talking about it less (on here) isn’t going to make things better, or make it have less control in my life.

Anyway, I don’t even know how much I can be bothered to write, right now. Because I’ve had a bad day. A bad ED day. Where I saw my old psychiatrist from the private hospital I went inpatient in February. He wants to re-admit me, and has put me back on the waiting list. I let him do it, with the knowledge I could back out if they call advising me they have a bed available. I would rather (I think) go to the public hospital, but the waiting list there is longer. I had my appointment last week with a the ED registrar at the public hospital. She was nice. She asked me heaps of questions and did a thorough analysis (did vitals and weight, too). She said she’d like to recommened to the team to admit me, but the team meeting might decide to keep me as outpatient for a while and see how I go. Plus she isn’t sure of the waiting list.

But honestly, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t even know if I’m ready for inpatient anyway. Everytime (or almost everytime) I see an ED doctor I come away and binge. Because I try to give myself permission to eat and allow myself to imagine and embrace that I don’t have a problem. So I eat, but of course I can’t manage appropriate quantities and so I eat too much. And it always ends badly.

And now I feel horrible. And undeserving. And disgusting. And even though I’ve eaten plenty I’ve been really dizzy too.

Physically things haven’t been so great. I’ve had zero energy in general, and when I’m not eating I have trouble doing even the simplest of things. Damien got really upset with me yesterday because he wanted to take everyone to the park with the dogs for a nice outdoor afternoon, and I couldn’t manage to go. I had no energy to even get up and walk, and the thought of going down the stairs and opening a car door to get in, even seemed to much. So I declined. He still went, with Sofie and the dogs, but he was quite upset with me. He said it’s a choice not to eat, and not to gain energy. And I need to make better choices.

And even when I do eat (like today) I still don’t feel so great.

I’m supposed to go back on Wednesday to see the registrar at the public hospital again. If I weigh more than last time I feel like I’m undeserving to be there. I know that’s not true, but it’s how I feel. I have been having feelings of really starting to sabotage my health, and I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way. I guess I"m tired of giving in and eating every 4 or 5 days, which my ED mind classes as being "weak" and "undisciplined" and "too kind" to myself. Being at a standstill in terms of weight is frustrating. It has to go down or I’m just a complaining, whiny girl who is in no imminent physical danger.

I dunno.

If I go inpatient if will mean missing out on teaching for this term. But today I visited one of the girls who was inpatient with me – at the private hospital. She was re-admitted (for her 5th admission) after I had left and she had left . She has basically spent the better part of the last 18 months in and out of hospital (mostly in). And finally today I visited her and she looked so different. And sounded different. She said she’s fully over it. She’s recovered as much as she’s ever been. She is at her (hospital set – BMI=20) goal weight)and her mental thoughts were fine. She said she could eat anything anytime and it didn’t worry her anymore. It was amazing to see her like this. Maybe there is hope. But she’s only 15. They say younger ED sufferers have a better prognosis.

Right now I just feel disgusting. Full, gluttonous and repulsive. And not at all sick in need of medical assistance.